Saturday, August 31, 2013

Is there such a thing as a personality transplant?

We're going to get a bit serious again today, and it's going to come out in a long winded ramble so bare with me. 

When I first started blogging I was extremely open about the depression part of my Bi-Polar. I've never spoke much about the mania, but it's there too trust me. It just comes out as angry outbursts on occasion and SUPER HYPERNESS like I ate a bag of meth and hooked an IV of red bull up to myself. I've never really shied away from discussing it, but I just kind of stopped talking about my struggles. Winter went away and the sun came out and it wasn't affecting my life as much anymore. It's definitely still there, just not nearly as bad as it was. But winter is quickly approaching and I'm terrified that I'm going to fall back into the same vicious cycle of last year. Last winter was bad. Really bad. Like my husband almost left me bad. I don't want that to happen again. I didn't do anything last winter. I didn't cook, I didn't clean. I barely showered. I didn't take care of myself, my husband, or my marriage. I laid on the couch from the hypothetical sun up to sun down (you know, because it's dark ALL THE FUCKING TIME during winter here.) and did nothing. I spiraled down into a deep dark hole of just, nothingness.

AMAZING explanation of what depression feels like by this lady.
Seriously when you're done reading this click on that link.
Don't you dare click it until you're done though. You were here first.

Then the sun came back out and I thought that was the magical fix. Suddenly I wasn't depressed all the time. I was getting out of the house a bit more, I was enjoying activities, I was getting along a lot better with my husband, but I wasn't happy. I'm still not happy. One thing that my Bi-Polar seems to do is make my mind race a billion miles per second. (Mania part of it) I jump from project to project, job to job, hobby to hobby, like it's nothing. I'll spend a bunch of money on something that I KNOW I'm going to stick to, and then quit it. I'll go into something with every intention of giving it 110%, and then I don't. I'm sick of being a quitter. I'm sick of jumping. It's exhausting. My marriage is the longest thing I've stuck to in my life that requires work, and I'm determined to not let my crazy affect it. But it is. I complain. All the time. I bitch about everything. My husband may not be the perfect husband, but he moves mountains to try to make me happy, and I'm not. It's not his fault, he does what he can. I can't blame him for getting frustrated and not wanting to be around me when all I do is demand. That's not fair to him. What kills me the most is that I know. I know that he feels unappreciated, I know that I jump from things, I know that I give up, I know that I give my 110 to things that don't deserve it while giving less than 10 to things that do, and I just can't stop. On my own.

I realized the other night after my husband and I got into another fight and I was crying and begging him not to give up on us, that that's not fair to ask of him. Why shouldn't he? I've said that I'll change time and time again but I never do. Things get better for a week or two, and then I fall back into the same patterns, same routines. (Sorry Eminem, couldn't help but bite your lyrics there.) Why would he want to be with me when I don't even want to be around me half the time? And then it hit me like a sack of bricks. All those times before, I didn't actually want to change, I was doing it for him. I was trying so hard to save my marriage that I'd do whatever he asked of me, but then that feeling of not giving a fuck would kick in again and it would be right back to square one. This time, I want to change for me. I really don't like the person that I've become. I used to be happy, I used to be confident, I used to not give a fuck what anyone else thought of me, including my husband, because I was just doing me. That's the person he fell in love with, and that's who I want to be again, but not for him, for myself. Over the past year I've watched one of my best friends go from having a negative outlook on life to being such a positive person and just genuinely happy. I could not for the life of me figure out how when she had so much going on she could still smile and let it roll off her back. She was being thrown in the middle of her parents toxic divorce, realizing that her child was behind developmentally, and dealing with multiple other things that life was throwing at her with a fucking smile. I'm jealous of that, I want that. I want to be able to not let the little things bother me, I want the bigger things to not feel like the end of the world. And I want these for me. Not for my husband, not for my friends, not for my family, for me. I am ready to change. Of course I want to be happy with my husband, but I want to know that if things (god forbid) don't work out, that I'll be okay. I came to this realization, and I told him. I was completely 100% open with him for the first time in a long time. And it felt good. I told him that I no longer cared what he thought as awful as that sounds. That I'm planning on making these changes for myself, and he could stick around for the ride if he wanted to, but if he didn't that was okay too. I wouldn't blame him, it's been bumpy as shit already. I'm not sure if he believes me, and I don't blame him if he doesn't but he's still here so that's a good sign.

Now how am I going to do it? I have a plan of attack. Everybody loses their mind here once the sun goes away. Everyone. Last year it took me almost three months to get an appointment at behavioral health. This was after I was at the point of losing my shit, it still took three freaking months. So this year I'm beating the crazies. I have my appointment to discuss my uterus with my new doctor on the third, and while I'm there I'm going to ask for a referral to behavioral health. I'm going to beat the crazies into getting there. I'm going to set up a meeting with a therapist, and I'm going to keep it. I'm going to make sure to schedule an appointment at least twice a month. I'm also going to request to be put back on my meds. I quit taking them last time because the doctor I had wasn't comfortable prescribing them to me, and when I went to see the psychiatrist he prescribed me one that of course I got the side effects of. I've had super bad luck with meds and almost always get the negative reactions. I'm going to beg and plead with my new doctor to put me back on the meds that I know I can take without gaining 500 pounds or overdosing on. Yeah. Been there twice on the prescribed amounts. I'm going to take them religiously. It's no longer optional. It's something that I NEED to survive. My husband recently started individual counseling, so with both of us getting individual counseling I feel like it will really help us on individual levels and as a couple. Once we're both comfortable with our sessions, we're going to try couples counseling as well. Even if we're doing great, it can't hurt to have someone else tell us that, or to have them tell us that we're delusional and need to fix certain things. I've gone this route before but always because somebody else told me to do it. My mom, my friends, my husband, but never, ever my self. I am ready to be a better person, I am ready to like myself again. I have a new job, I'm working on getting a new body, and now I'm going to work on getting a new positive and happy personality too. I guess what I'm trying to say is...

Thursday, August 29, 2013

My four am rant about fat girls and clothing

I am exhausted. The one night that I could have easily went to bed before midnight and I played nice wife and stayed up until the paycheck hit to run to Walmart and grab some stuff the husband needed for work today. That man better love me, but I digress.

While I was at Walmart I decided to grab some underwear and some workout clothes. Well, that was the plan anyways. It's no secret that I am a fat chick. I'm woking on that but right now that's what I am. I accept it, I let myself get to this point. I haven't bought underwear in years. Like since high school. I pretty much go commando all the time, it's more comfortable to me. But recently I've discovered a love for not wearing pants at home, and seeing as I finally kicked our roommate out (He has until the 15th to find somewhere else to live, I can not begin to explain how excited I am about this) I decided to invest in some more. I only have two pairs right now so I was super excited to go underwear shopping. I am a girl after all, and even though I don't normally wear them doesn't mean I don't appreciate a cute pair of panties. So I'm perusing the fat girl panties and do you know is offered? GRANNY PANTIES. That's fucking it. The majority of them are ugly ass white ones. They offer the ones that basically pull up to under your tits, or the ones that are hi-cuts. They had like four semi cute color options to choose from and that was it. Seriously? Big girls like underwear too. Big girls want cute underwear too. It should not be that damn difficult to find a cute pair of panties just because I have some (okay a lot) extra cushion for the pushin. This pissed me off. So after checking literally every. single. pair. offered. I finally gave up and grabbed some of the hi-cuts, because you're not going to catch me dead in no stinkin grannie panties. Noooo thank you. 

This picture has absolutely nothing to do with anything I'm talking about, but there was a lot of words so I figured I'd throw it in to break it up. A friend sent it to me years ago with the caption "I'm keeping this apple hostage. You know the ransom." I really didn't but got a good laugh anyways. 

So now I'm kinda pissed because my undies shopping did not go as planned, and I go over to the work out apparel and do you know what I find? NOT A SINGLE FUCKING THING IN MY SIZE. NOT A SINGLE THING. I'm sorry, you'd think that they'd carry work out clothes for fat chicks seeing as we're the ones who need to work out but noooooo. Plenty of extra smalls though! Ugh. It's frustrating. I don't want to pay $60 online for a pair of pants that I can run in. I found a pair of legging that should do the trick in the normal clothes section and said fuck it, that'll work. 

Can someone explain to me why it's so hard to find plus size clothes that are cute? Just because I'm fat does not mean I want to dress like I'm 80 and have 60 cats. I also don't want to be forced to shop at Torrid where a shirt is $40 and pants are $60. I'd like to be able to buy an outfit without it costing me half my paycheck, my first born child, and my arm. That's the dream isn't it? *sigh*

Anyways while I was there I also picked up the Jillian Michaels 30 day shred. With winter coming quickly and the fact that it's been raining more and more lately (I'm going to cry the first time that rain turns to snow.) I need something I can do inside. I'm also not losing very much weight just walking, and my running shoes are crap anyways. It's pointless to invest in new ones when I won't be able to use them in thirty days or less anyways so a work out DVD is the way to go. I really didn't want to do Jillian Michaels. I hate her with a passion. Everything about her annoys the ever living hell out of me. Her voice, the way she looks, the fact that she just stands there the majority of the video and then asks me if I can feel the burn. BITCH YOU AREN'T EVEN SWEATING AND I'M PRETTY SURE I'M HAVING A HEART ATTACK. EVERYTHING. Her stupid can do attitude. I can't stand her. But, I'm stuck dealing with her because unfortunately the only other videos they had were dance videos, and white girl has no rhythm. I look like I'm having a seizure when I try to dance, it is not a pretty sight. I tried Zumba once and spent 98% of the time tripping over my feet, so Jillian was the less of two evils. I have a plan though! I'm going to mute that bitch, throw my headphones in, and rock out to Pandora while trying really hard not to punch my TV. I have shows to watch and I don't think my husband would forgive me for putting a hole in the screen. I'll be starting the 30 day shred at some point tomorrow. I have errands and grocery shopping to do, but I'll squeeze it in at some point. 

There you have my four in the morning rant. I'm going to go make sweet love to my bed now. The husband gets up for work in an hour and I'd love to be asleep before then. Here's to hoping. 

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Weighing in for Wednesday & Realizing my Self Worth

So first things first, I had my interview today. I rocked it. I start next week.

Anyways, the scale has been my enemy this week. I've been bad and weighed myself almost every day and it's so confusing watching myself fluctuate as much as five pounds in one day. I know there's water weight and things of that nature, but it's still frustrating. With that being said I hopped on the scale this morning and was my lowest so far.

Weight: 291.5
+/- last week: -.5
Total loss: 43.5
So that's cool. I lost some weight. Sunday I had a bit of a mental breakdown. My husband and I took our dogs out and tried to do Couch to 5K. I felt like I was going to die, and didn't complete the program at ALL. I walked/jogged some, but not nearly as much/long as I should have. I walked the majority of the time and just cried and cried and cried. Here's what went through my head:

"Why the fuck did I let myself get so fat?"
"I hate myself."
"I actually hate myself right now."
"Fuck running."
"Seriously, I jogged for thirty seconds and my lungs are going to explode."
"My thighs are rubbing together so fucking hard."
"I hate myself."
"My shorts keep riding up."
"My tits are going to give me a black eye."
"I hate myself."
"Why did I do this to myself?"
"Why didn't I attempt to lose weight sooner?"
"How could I let myself get to this point?"
"I hate myself."
"How do people enjoy this bullshit?"
"I hate myself."
"I hate myself."
"I hate myself."

Not exactly positive thinking there huh? I told you. I had a bit of a breakdown. But you know what I realized? I don't hate myself, I hate what I did to myself. I shouldn't have let myself get to the point where I weighed three hundred and thirty five god damn pounds. Never. I should have taken action sooner, but you know what? I didn't. You know what else? I've already lost 43.5 pounds in less than a year. Could I have done better? Hell yes. Is it worth throwing a pity party over and beating myself up about? Fuck no. I am worth so much more than that. I'm done hating myself, I'm done double guessing myself. I want to be a positive, confident person who doesn't give a fuck what other people think about her and that shit starts today. I have a new job, and I'm going to be a new person. I'll continue working out on a mostly daily basis. I'll go on walks/runs until it's to cold to do so (next month SAD FACES) and then I'll buy a workout DVD or possibly venture to the gym. Who cares if those bitches stare at me? At least my fat ass is trying to improve myself. I feel like I'm starting to REALLY see a difference. I looked in the mirror today and didn't absolutely hate what I saw. Was I 100% thrilled? Of course not, I have a lot of work to do, but I didn't hate it. Look how far I've come.

I can see a difference. I just need to figure out how to stop caring what other people think and do it for me. Not for society, not for my husband, not to be able to get pregnant. Because I want to be healthy. I  want to love myself. A perfect body won't do that, but knowing that I was able to push myself to achieve something for once in my life instead of just giving up because things got tough? I want that. I want that so much. I'm worth that damn it. And you are too. If you're struggling just say fuck it and take it one day at a time. Don't think about how many pounds you have to lose. Think about the fact that today, today you're going to run. Or today you're going to eat an apple instead of a cookie. Take things one day at a time and just be the best you you can be, for you. That's what I'm going to do and it feels good.

Now, that I've let my brain ramble for a few, I'm off to put on a pair of pants, take an ACE, throw my headphones in, and go for a walk/jog. Wish me luck on my new found path of not giving a single fuck. 


Monday, August 26, 2013

Girl you done lost your damn mind & Lady Boners

I did not watch the VMA's. I'm just not an awards ceremony type of person. Even back in Elementary school I hated awards  ceremonies. I was purposely absent the day I received the perfect attendance award. They're just really not my thing, so this year was no exceptions. I'd rather wait until after the fact and just learn all the juicy stuff from the internet, and oh lawdy mister internet you did not disappoint this year. 

Can we take a minute to discuss Miss Miley's performance? I am almost positive that by the time I wake up there will be multiple posts about this, and my god I am so excited for them. My newsfeed has blown up with the funniest pictures and thoughts about the fifty shades of fucking crazy this woman has gone. Remember this sweet face?

Well the child star curse caught up something fierce to her and I am LOVING IT. She has lost her fucking marbles man. Absolutely nuts. Cray cray to the nth degree. Sweet little Miley Cyrus, adorable little Hannah Montanna has turned into a hot damn train crash.

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK? Let's just start at the top and work our way down shall we? The hair.

I just... No.... just no. This is not a cute style. Your hairstylist should have their scissors taken from them, and then jabbed in their eyes to INSURE this never happens again. The top looks like an old lady bra made out of latex, and WHY are you wearing panties out on stage?! They're way too tight and hellooooo camel toe. I mean, you sure brought a lot of attention to your vag by continuously smacking yourself in it (That can't be comfortable.) you'd think you'd at least want something that hides your lips instead of separating them. Miley Cyrus's vagina, can I get things I never thought I'd talk about for $500 Alex? But of course what was needed to tie the entire ensemble together was definitely the old lady walking shoes. Seriously, fire your stylist... Or light them on fire. Either works for me. 

And the performance... WHAT THE FUCK MTV?! Did anyone else feel dirty after that? I needed a shower. Your daddy must be so proud of his baby girl. The twerking, the vag slapping, thetongue  seizures, the pelvic thrusts, the actual rubbing up on Rob Thickes junk? I felt like I was watching some awful fetish porn that I could just not look away from. And of course there's this picture floating around now. 

Lets just take a second to appreciate the looks on the Smith family's faces shall we?

Look at how absolutely horrified they all look. That was basically my face too. What cracks me up is almost every. single. celebrity. had matching looks! Drake wouldn't even look at her, and when Jimmy can't make eye contact you know there's an issue. It's like they all just watched in horror as they waved goodbye to any last ounce of credibility she possibly had. That girl is losing her mind. I forsee a Lohan in the making.

I propose a betting pool! I give it until Christmas for either a) The release of her sex tape that was "leaked" or b) she ends of in rehab for "exhaustion" *coughCOCAINEcough* What say you on the subject? Bitch be craaaay. 

That's enough on that tragedy waiting to happen though, now we'll move on to the absolute best part of the night. You know exactly what I'm talking about, your inner teeny bopper flipped the fuck out too.


Wrong boy band lyrics, but appropriate nonetheless. Words can not describe how absolutely stoked I was to find out they had performed. My my time has treated them all well. 

Chris has put on some pounds, but dropped the braids and I think he looks awesome. Joey lost a lot of weight from the last time I saw him on some show. Justin and JC looked as sexy as ever, and Lance, the man who broke my heart by coming out of the closet is GORGEOUS. Look at that fine specimen of a man. Someone sign him for an underwear campaign, or a romance novel cover, or a porn or something. He is drool worthy and I feel like I need to see more of him. He was my first love. I dreamed of having beautiful Bass babies with him, and those dreams shattered when he announced he was gay. I guess I should have known, no straight man has eyebrows that fabulous. 

Mmmm dat stubble.

But back to the show. I had a HUGE smile on my face when I finally found the damn video online. Seriously news sites, if you say "WATCH HERE" INCLUDE THE FUCKING VIDEO! I was bummed to see that Justin got 99% of the stage time and they were really only on for a minute or so, but it was the best sixty seconds of my year. Maybe it's because I have the rhythm of Hellen Keller (but I can't even talk with my hips) but I find men that can dance extremely sexy. And oh man do they still have it. 

I am hoping and praying to anyone that will listen that these guys actually get back together. I will be devastated if it was just a one time performance. I can not even handle the thought of going to a reunion tour, and you best believe I'd sell everything in my house, husband included (don't worry, he doesn't read my blog, he'll never know it's coming) for tickets to that show. For the love of all things good and holy PLEASE LET THIS REUNION HAPPEN. I've lived in a world without NSYNC, and that's not a world I want to experience again now that I've been reminded of their amazingness. 

Until next time,
Bye Bye Bye, Bye Bye
(You just sang that in your head loser. I love you for it.)

Monday, August 19, 2013

Next On Netflix: Doctor Who Edition

I've decided to start a new series called Next on Netflix where I will showcase my favorite finds that your life will be absolutely empty without. I even created a nifty picture to go along with it.

Bam, Thanks two seconds worth of work on picmonkey. Anyways, today's show is one that you NEED to watch like, yesterday. Doctor Who has quite literally changed my life. If you haven't watched it when you're done reading this you need to get to it. Drop absolutely everything and start this series now. Kids are screaming? Mailman's at the door? House is on fire? WHO THE FUCK CARES? Nothing is more important that bringing The Doctor into your life today.
So what's it about you ask? Well, that's a great question! And thanks to the internet I have a picture to explain that as well!

So there's that. Basically it's an amazing show and you should really be watching it. Just trust me. It takes a few episodes to really get into, but once you're in, you are SUCKED IN.
Here are five more awesome facts about the show:
1) It is the longest running Sci-Fi Show in the history of television. The FIFTY YEAR anniversary is coming up on November 23rd and to say I'm excited is an understatement. Try I have a counter counting down the days until the premiere on my phone.
2) It's perfectly appropriate for children and adults of all ages. There is absolutely no blood and guts or really any violence at all.
3) They don't use to sex to sell! The actors are definitely eye candy, but minus ONE scene with Captain Jack (and it's done tastefully) all of the actors/actresses stay fully clothed at all times, and they dress modestly. There's no tits and ass hanging all over the place.
4) The female companions are strong female characters. They're not weak women who need a man to save them. I love this.
5) It's extremely hilarious! There is so much witty dialogue and back and forth snarkiness. It's amazing and you will not go through one episode without laughing out loud at something someone said.
Still not convinced? Lets show you that man candy I was talking about.
Doctor # 9
Doctor # 10
Doctor # 11
Captain Jack Harkness
Seriously, if you ever take my advice about anything, this is it. Watch this show. You will not regret it.

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Throwback Thursday: First Kiss

It's Throwback Thursday with Bonnie again! This is the topic that I have both been looking forward to and dreading the most! Remember when I told ya'll I was into the bad boys in elementary school? Yeah... Here's my first kiss story. 

My first real kiss, tongue and all, was when I was eight years old. Yeah. I was a bit of a sloot back in the day. Okay not really considering it was only that boy and I didn't have another kiss until I was 15... Buuut eight year old me got a little mouth action. I don't think I've ever told anyone the full story, not even my mom who got all the details of my losing my virginity so it's only fitting that I spill all the details on the internet where it lives on forever. 

I had such a crush on David L. He lived across the common area from me in the apartment complex my grandparets owned and he was dreamy. He was also quite the little player. David, Ashaki, and I used to play together every day after school and spent the weekends together. My grandpa had decided to build us a shelter where the bus picked us up in the mornings so we had somewhere to hide when it rained. Our bus driver was mean and if she didn't see a kid at the bus stop she wouldn't even stop. Even if you were clearly running to catch the bus and she saw you, so after one too many missed busses he caved and gave us a place to wait and keep dry. What this also gave us was a small building that parents could only see into if they were standing in front of it. Which they never did. In a town of literally 100 people, all of them living in the apartment complex we pretty much had full reign of the place. One day we were playing in the shelter and David decided to hold a contest to see who the better kisser was between Ashaki and me. I had a huge lady boner for him so I was all for the chance to kiss him! Ashaki went first and I got sloppy seconds, but I was so high in the clouds I didn't even care. Now? Oh hell nah I'm not sharing my man with anyone, not even my best friend. I digress. So it was my turn and he kissed me and shoved his tongue into my mouth. I was taken by surprise but didn't want to seem like a baby so I rolled with it. It was wet, warm, and awkward as fuck. I got absolutely nothing out of it seeing as I was eight and we never ever did it again. He wouldn't tell us who won and moved away a few months later. I thought I'd never have to see him again and my awkward first kiss could be just an uncomfortable memory from the past. That was until I was 15 and he moved down the street from my cousin. I about died when I walked into my aunts house and saw my first kiss sitting on the couch. He of course brought it up and mortified me in front of my cousin. Asshole.

But running into him all of those years later I asked him who he thought won his little contest. I AM THE CHAMPION! 

If my future children ever ask though, my first kiss was when I was 15. How do you tell your kids you were a child whore? Simple. You don't.

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

You might be addicted to the internet if...

Ya'll I have an internet addiction. I know this. The majority of my life is spent phone in hand and that's pretty pathetic in my opinion. However I'm home alone 90% of the time and all my friends are online, so online is where the party is at. You too may be addicted to the internet if...

... You're constantly refreshing Facebook hoping someone posted something interesting... They didn't.

... You get genuinely mad at the Facebook app for clearly not understanding what most recent means. Uhm, hello three hours ago is not more recent than five minutes ago. Learn to tell time Facebook.

... You check your e-mail multiple times a day even though you can't remember the last e-mail you got that wasn't offering to make your junk six inches longer. It already hangs to my knees guys, I can't go any bigger.

... You do all of your Christmas/Birthday shopping online. Why should I go to the store when Etsy comes to me? 

... You get excited over any new hits on Blogger. SOMEBODY READ WHAT I WROTE!

... You find yourself getting annoyed with people you've never met in real life for what they post on their blogs. You're going to complain that babies are expensive? Look at all the free shit you've gotten for posting belly pictures!

... You find yourself venting those frustrations to your significant other. They REALLY don't care.

... You've seen every meme someone tries to show you. That meme is so six months ago. 

... You're completely caught up on Bloglovin posts. I have no life.

Yeah... That last one just depressed me considering last month I had over 600 unread blog posts. Anyone know where to buy a life at? I wonder if they sell them on Etsy...