She Lives.

Oh boy it has been a while. A LOT has happened since my last post.

Cliff Notes Version:

• Surgery worked amazingly and I'm down to 168 pounds. I'm actively trying to not lose anymore weight at this point. I couldn't be more stoked about the outcome. I have a lot of extra skin but that's to be expected. Some day I'll have the money to get plastic surgery but for now I'm happy with where I'm at. 

• I packed up my life and moved cross country to live with my boyfriend in Boston. We road tripped out to Massachusetts and visited some people along the way. I did a Tim Burton inspired Mary Poppins photo shoot with a friend in Oklahoma, got to pet a sloth in Florida where I visited my brother, and held hands with a monkey in North Carolina visiting old friends from the Army days. Seriously the most amazing experiences. 

• I accidentally got a job as an assistant manager in a group home and it's going as well as it can be. Everyone seems to like me there and I get a lot of compliments from the school staff and different therapists that come through. I thought I was applying for a basic residential position and when I was in my interview he mentioned that it was for the assistant manager position. I was like oh... I didn't mean to apply for that but seeing as I got the interview I'll go ahead and move forward. I have a lot more responsibilities at work and even though I get my ass beat daily my job is pretty okay. I work with pretty low functioning kids and there's a few of them that are pretty freaking aggressive. My boyfriend won't go out in public with me unless I'm wearing long sleeved shirts because people think he beats me I'm so covered in bruises from work. It's crazy. 

• Debt. I recently (as in like four days ago) took out a personal loan and consolidated all of my debt. I have paid everything off except for my car and now this loan. (BTW bought a car before the road trip) The interest on the loan is ridiculous and I don't want to talk about it but with how much I'm making as an ARM and the overtime I've been able to pick up I'll be making bigger payments monthly. I plan on making at least twice the minimum monthly balance every month. By getting ahead of the interest and paying it off in such big chunks I'll be able to get it paid off early enough to where the interest rate won't hurt me. It feels SO good to have everything else paid off though. Student loan, Care Credit card, everything. Reliiieeef. 

So other that that I've decided to kinda start the 101 in 1001 thing again, but more like over the next five years, and I've been slowly writing them up. I think I'm going to change the direction of this blog into a goal driven type deal. I'm basically going to focus on completing everything on that list. Like a bucket list kinda thing ya dig? I'll be revamping the layout and possibly the name here soon because when I'm not at work I'm bored and this gives me something creative to do. 

Welp that's it for now. Hopefully I'll have another post for you here shortly and I don't disappear for another year. We'll see how it goes. 

Guess who's back? Back again. B is back. Tell a friend.

Well it's been a while. I've got a lot to catch you up on oh boy. Look, I suck at blogging on the regular. My life is hectic and hasn't gotten any less busy since the last time I posted, but I love it. And I was thinking I wanted a place to be able to write about all the changes and jazz that are going on and realized I already had one that I abandoned. So here I am. I'm not planning on being back on any regular posting schedule, but I'll try to do something more often than six months later. So. Where to begin, I suppose my weight loss is going to be the big one people want to see.

Okay so as you can clearly see surgery did me very well. 

Very well. 

My face looks totally different which is pretty awesome. 

And frankly I'm just a much happier and healthier person. I wish I could say I'm on some super regulated diet routine or that I work out all the time but I don't. This pretty much just came with watching what I eat for the most part and eating much, much less than I used to. I don't limit myself for the most part. I was lucky and the only real thing I've noticed that sucks is I have some acid reflux now and my hair did start falling out for a while, but it appears to be growing back in so I'm okay with it. As Rafaki would say it's in the past. 

So I finally was able to file for divorce. I actually filed last week, I'll be going back to the courthouse on Friday to request my hearing date. I've had some issues with getting everything together, and my credit is totally fucked because the car got left in Alaska and repossessed (woo... not.) but I'm genuinely ecstatic to be done with my marriage. 

In other nothing to do with Fuck Face news I have a boyfriend now. We've actually been dating since January and I may end up writing more about him in the future, but right now we're just enjoying it being the two of us. He's in the military and ETS's in a few months so when my lease is up I'll be moving to the east coast. I know, I know. I'm packing up my life and moving across country for a dude again. I'm good at that. But I'm the type of person that follows my heart so I'm going for it. He's the first functional relationship I've ever had. 

My entire life I've dated broken men. Men who needed some sort of support from me, because I'm a fixer. I knew they wouldn't leave me because they were broken and needed fixing. My guy isn't broken. He doesn't need to be fixed and that's scary. It's also incredibly freeing. He is 100% with me because he wants me, not because he needs me. And that makes a world of a difference to me. He's pretty awesome. 

I've been living on my own since mid February. I've got my own car, an apartment, and I pay all my own bills. I am working my ass off to get out of debt. I currently have two jobs. I work at a company with adults with special needs and I love it. I honestly LOVE it. It makes me so happy and I feel so rewarded by doing it. I go into work at 3 pm on Friday and work straight through until Sunday morning at 8 am. I'm allowed to sleep and in those two days (I don't really count Sunday because all I do is wake up, pass meds, and leave) I've gotten all of my hours in for the week plus an hour of overtime. I've been picking up a lot of overtime lately. All I do is work and watch Netflix. I decided to get a second job because the gas was negating some of the pay for the overtime and once you reach a certain level of overtime you're basically just paying taxes. I got a job at the truck stop down the street from me so save on gas money. I have five days off a week so I wanted something to do during those days while working towards my goals. Not including whatever I'll owe on my half of the car after it's auctioned off I had four debt payments. Target, Care Credit, NFM, and my student loan. With my last overtime check I completely paid off my Target card. I've decided that every penny of my gas station paycheck will be put towards paying off my debt in large chunks. Between my next paycheck from my full time job and my part time job I will be able to completely pay off my Care Credit account as well. I then plan to snowball my way out of debt until I only have the car stuff left.

Once I have my four main accounts paid off all of my extra paycheck will go into savings, with me moving across the country I'm going to need some money saved up. Especially considering we'll be road tripping the whole way there stopping in a few states to see some friends, so money is pretty important for that. We'll also be buying a car together before we move, which is pretty scary and exciting. Once I get to the east coast I won't have any bills other than my cell phone and car insurance so my full paycheck from whatever job I get there will go towards paying off the remainder of the car. I'm hoping to be completely out of debt by this time next year. That's my goal. 

So basically my future plans are pretty simple. I'm going to work both jobs until December and mostly out of debt. I'll quit the gas station at the start of January. I should be going to visit my family in California in January so I'll use my vacation time then. I'll have plenty saved up for sure. I'll move to the east coast and get rid of the remainder of my debt. Once I'm out of debt I'll start saving until I have enough money to pay to go back to school to get my associates out of pocket. (I should be able to afford to start by next fall if all goes well) I'm not sure what exactly I want to go to school for yet but it'll be something in the human services field I'm sure. Then... we'll see. 

I'm not really going to take my blog in any particular direction. I'm going to just post about whatever is going on and whenever I want to do a brain dump. So I'll see you next time I decide to come back. 

I'm Too Tired To Function

So I'm not planning on doing much writing today because I am exhausted. I started my job and well... this is my first three weeks. Keep in mind that Work is overnights and the training is smack dab in the middle of the day. So I've been sleeping in three hours naps for the past week.

Yeah, it basically sucks right now. But I like most of the girls I'm working with and they seem to be responding well to me so I'll take it. I only have two more weeks to go until I'm on a normal schedule. Anyways I wanted to update ya'll on my stats since I haven't done it since before I left Alaska. Boom baby, boom.

And that is all. I'm going to go crash now. It's almost 11 am, but goodnight.

I Don't Have High Hopes For My Resolutions

New year right? I promised Melissa a week ago that I'd have a new post up and I nailed that. My post is about resolutions so clearly I'm doing a swell job so far. Life has been pretty hectic the past few days. I started my new job finally and I love it. Lot of time just killing time screwing off on my phone once everything is cleaned with breaks of making sure that all of the kids are still here and in bed. It's great. I dig it a lot. I'm also working overnights with classes during the day and I'm not allowed to sleep on overnights, so these next few weeks of training are going to probably kill me. Cranky I will be. I worked ONE shift before being called in to work overtime because we're so over staffed, but my paycheck is not complaining.

Anyways, back to the point of this post. I've decided that I'm going to do my resolutions a little bit differently this year. Minus this month because I literally don't have a full day off until February 1st so I'm not even going to attempt anything. But what I've decided to do is come up with eleven words that I want my life centered around. Between my surgery and my divorce I'm kind of in the process of reinventing myself so I sat down and figured out eleven words that I love and I'm going to create mini goals based off of each word, and focus on a word per month. If this gets repetitive I apologize, I'm running on not very much sleep but after the amount of bitching Melissa has done I think it's important to get this out of the way. SURPRISE MELISSA I TOLD YOU I COULD BLOG AT WORK. Anywhoozles, I haven't quite decided which words go with which month yet, or all of the goals but those can come later. Here are my words.

Creativity:
1) Build or refurbish something.
2) Blog twice a week.
3) Paint something.

Healthy:
1) Track all food intake.
2) Work out three times a week.
3) Drink 90 ounces of water a day.

Kindness:
1) Donate to a charity.
2) Compliment 5 strangers.
3) Pay for someone's meal.

Experience/Adventure:
1) Say yes to something new.
2) Eat something adventurous.
3) ????

Habits:
1) Quit smoking again.
2) Quit biting nails.
3) Start keeping my room clean. (It gets bad ya'll.)

Positivity:
1) Find something positive in every day.

Relationships: (NOT romantic, relationships I have with people already.)
1) Take my siblings on an outing.
2) ???
3) ?????

Confidence: 
1) ???
2) ???
3) ???

Patience:
1)  Find a coping method that works when I get upset.
2) Don't get frustrated with siblings.
3) Work on road rage.

Frugal:
1) No eat out month.
2) Put money into savings.
3) Work out a budget and stick to it.

Dedication:
1) Blog more often.
2) Stick to Project 365
3) ???

Obviously where there are a bunch of question marks I have no idea what I want to do goal wise there. And this isn't nearly as well thought out of a post as I may have led Melissa to believe so she'd leave me alone. But it's also four in the morning and I'm not braining well at the moment. It happens.

In weight loss news I haven't measured myself in forever BUT I DID manage to hit 50 lbs lost! GO ME. I've been documenting daily full body selfies of me on my Instagram if you'd like to follow along or you can search #iateskinny365 The plan is to be able to click on the hashtag at the end of the year and use it as a kind of a flip book to show myself shrinking. On the first of every month I'll be posting a comparison pic with my stomach showing because I've found discussing the loose skin seems to be something people don't like to do until they've had it removed and unfortunately it's a reality of extreme weight loss. Here's the first comparrison picture I did.

Bam look at that difference. So far so good! Also I made this because holy hell my face has changed. The picture on the left was taken at my heaviest the one on the right was taken about a week and a half ago.

Once again. Boom. I'll try to come back at some point within the next week to post an updated stats picture at the very least, but I'm working almost 30 hours of overtime this week so no promises. DO YOU HEAR ME MELISSA NO PROMISES.

K bye.

#OnceYouGoBlack

I know it's been a while since I last posted, Melissa has made sure to bitch about it loudly multiple times. I've been back in Iowa for about three weeks now and I have to tell you, I'm much happier than I have been in quite some time. I've been hanging out and catching up with two of my four best friends and it has been amazing. I missed them a lot and the weird little things we used to do. I went with Little B to her farm and on the way back we listened to all the music we used to jam out to when we first started hanging out, it was quite the flashback to the 2000's. And hanging out with Eric again led to my favorite game of connect the freckles... he told me I wasn't done when I had no more freckles to connect so I doodled instead. He's 6'7 so he's got a huge back haha.

In the past three weeks I managed to be "gifted" a car. He's an explorer and I named him Diego. I also got hired at a place working with high risk kids and it's overnight so that's pretty awesome because I am a night owl. Little B and I are going to be moving in together when a two bedroom opens up in her complex in April, and other than that it's just been a lot of running around and hanging out with my friends. Christmas was the first in five years with my family and it was great. I got cash and socks and protein bars and I was very excited about all of these. With my cash I bought a pair of sweat pants, a hoodie, and some vinyl and I did this thing with my stepmom's cameo.

I'm down to 260 now which puts my loss at 44 lbs in two months which is pretty freaking exciting if you ask me. I have not been working out or really eating how I should be the past week or so cause holiday's but I'm working on getting back on track. My siblings got the new Just Dance game for Christmas so I think I'm going to start doing that once the living room is cleared of all the Christmas crap. I haven't measured or really taken a comparison picture in a week but this is the last one I did.

I'm too lazy to take my measurements right now and kinda just wanted to get this post out of the way so Melissa will stop with the spongebob memes on my Facebook, but I'll be back at some point with a post that focuses more on the surgery and includes the stuff I'm not posting about now. Until then, he's a selfie I took that I look tiny in compared to my normal crap. I need to get myself some black hair dye and fix my hair cause I darkened the picture a bit and forgot how awesome I look with black. #YouKnowWhatTheySay

I Have Very Little To Post About.

Since the last time I posted I have finished all ten seasons of Friends, two seasons of Jericho, and read a book and a half. I know, you're all jealous of how fancy and thrilling my life is. I don't know how I survive with all the excitement.

Want to know what is exciting? I'm back in Iowa in FOUR DAYS. HELL YEAH. I have almost everything packed, I just need to go around the house and pack up the random shit I've acquired over the years that I don't want to get rid of. Other than that all I need to do is give my beautiful Tempest girl to the family that is going to keep her and get on my plane. It's pretty exciting. The dude from womp womp womp is still picking me up from the airport because regardless of all the bullshit he put me through he's still one of my best friends and I miss his face. Once I get to Iowa... I have no idea what I'm going to do honestly. My old job doesn't seem to be hiring and I really don't want to work retail again so we'll see what happens.

This is too short of a post so have a selfie I took today.

And now for those of you following along with the whole surgery thing.

Eating and drinking are hard. I'm pretty much always tired and I know I'm not getting in nearly enough of anything. I have to start pushing myself to get what I'm supposed to in daily because I'm only making my goal every couple of days. It's been difficult, but I am SO happy with my results so far and I can not wait to see what happens when I start adding working out too. I'm starting to introduce real food again and I think I'm almost at the point where other than breads, pastas, salad, and citrus that I can start eating regular meals with people again here soon. Mind you my new normal is like four to six bites, but still! I'm excited for my first meal with my family, my stepmom is good at food, and while I'm NOT good at eating anymore I'll enjoy the hell out of those four bites. Nom. 

So that's really it for now, once again thank Melissa. I promised her I'd post before I moved back to Iowa so I'm doing that thing now. You're welcome my dear. Now leave me alone for a week or two haha. 

If You Wanna Be My Lover, You Better Stay The Hell Away From My Friends.

With everything going on and changing in my life I have made the decision to actively avoid a relationship for a year. My goal is to stay single and focus on work and working out. My life will be about getting out of debt, getting into shape, and building a loving relationship with myself. The last two men I've been interested in (near miss man and the husband) have had a huge share of issues that they need to work out on their own. Both of them have also shown me how I do and don't want to be treated in a relationship, and things that are and aren't worth fighting for. Because of this I've come up with a small list that whoever I date next must meet to be able to move forward in the whole dating thing. They're all pretty serious to me which means I'll be single for the rest of my days. Ready? These are in no particular order.

1) Must be okay with the fact that at some point in my life I fully intend on having a pet pig.
2) Must have hobbies other than video games.
3) Must not have addiction issues.
4) Must be willing to build a blanket fort with me to hide in after a really bad day.
5) Must not be crazy. I'm crazy enough for this relationship thank you
6) Must love themselves. I have enough saving myself to do, I don't need to be responsible for saving someone else too.
7) Must not come with baby momma drama. I'm fine with having kids, but if they can't have a working joint parenting relationship I don't need to get involved.
8) Must be okay with the fact that I sometimes feel the need to sing Disney songs on the top of my lungs and bonus points if they join in.
9) Must be capable of cleaning up after themselves.
10) MUST want a partner, not a parent.
11) Must want an active sex life with just me.
12) Must be okay with me dragging them to every new Disney/Pixar movie to come out.
13) Must want children at some point.
14) Must make me smile.
15) Must treat me as well as I treat them.
16) Must want to spend time with me, as well as time on their own with their friends.
17) Must be responsible with their money.
18) Must be a fully functioning adult.
19) Must build me up instead of tear me down.
20) Must get my mom and best friends approvals.


There's a lot more of them, but these are my official musts. Bonus would be ginger, tall, and tattoo'd but I'm willing to let that one go for the right dude. Maybe someday I'll find someone that meets my criteria, but until then I'm 25 years old and have a lot of shit to accomplish on my own and I can't allow anyone to bring me down with them.

Womp Womp Womp

Welp, things fell through with my dude back home. He has a lot of issues and neither of us are ready for a real relationship so it's going nowhere with that. He's looking for someone to save him and I have to save myself first. I'm pretty heartbroken because he's been my what if guy for almost a decade now, but it's life and life is pain sometimes. Which unfortunately means that I'll be moving back in with my dad, stepmom, and my two youngest siblings. I love my family but my sister drives me nuts so this should be tons of fun. I fly home in 15 days now and although my entire plan has once against changed I am so beyond ready to keep on keeping on and start new. My plan at this point is to play everything by ear until I'm competent enough at pretending I know how to adult on my own. I plan on trying to get my old job back but I'm not sure how that's going to work with the time of year I'm going back. First priority is to find a job and get a car. I'm going to be pretty broke for a while because I fully intend to spend the majority of my paychecks on debt payments and healthy shit for the house. I'm also going to start working out on my own, my dad has an exercise bike, a treadmill, and an elliptical in their basement that I plan on utilizing. Once I'm down a little more I'll figure out how to incorporate lifting to try to start firming up my skin. But right now I need to focus on me so I fully intend on being single for a hot minute. I have however started to come up with a short list of questions to help weed out potentials when it comes time to start trying to do that again. I'll post that in a few days once I've had a bit of time to perfect it more. Every question is very serious and I intend to stick to my list.

That's it for now, my life is boring. I'm down 21 pounds and almost half the series of Friends so I'm achieving big things.

K bye.

 

If It Wasn't For Melissa, I Probably Wouldn't Blog.

I haven't really had much to write about this past week because all I've done is watch a LOT of Netflix. I'm trying to pick up some babysitting shifts so I can have some take home money when it comes time to leave the state in NINETEEN DAYS. The closer I get to leaving the more I start freaking out about it. I know in my heart of hearts that this is exactly what I need to do, and that it's what I want to do. My marriage has been over for basically two years now and I'm not interested in trying to fix it but knowing that I'm actually really close to being done dealing with all of the shit that it's brought with it is scary in a really freeing way. I'm going to have to struggle to figure out how any of this is going to work starting all over again, but I've always figured everything out before. I'm just nervous, but I'm ready.

Other than the occasional mini freak out my life is back to being super boring for the time being. I promised a picture update though so here we go.

That hoodie is a XL by the way. That's ONE X. Hells yeah.

I haven't really been in the mood to blog lately so sorry this one sucks, Melissa started becoming obnoxious again though so I figured it was time for another post.

I Watch Food Porn and I'm Only Kind of Ashamed About It

I think we've all established by now that when it comes to posting things I'm a liar. "I'll be back tomorrow" "This funny thing happened and I'll tell you about it next time" "I'm going to start posting regularly again." I think by now we've all learned that I'm going to post whenever my heart fancies and anyone who reads is just going to have to suck it up and deal with it. I'll be back, I always am. I say this because obviously I didn't post my update on Monday. You'll get it today so don't you worry your pretty little heads but Monday was a busy day of psych appointments, getting my drain pulled, and some other fun stuff. Before I get to the weight loss portion I have a few minor life updates to provide.

1) As I said I got my drain pulled. Those of you who have never had a drain before consider yourselves lucky because it's a pain in the ass all around. I was so paranoid I was going to accidentally pull it out the entire time I had it in. I was so careful with it, it was sore, showering was done sitting down because I didn't really have a place to put it while standing and using both hands, and my dogs didn't understand why they weren't allowed to cuddle. I went in to get it pulled on Monday and the nurse had my sit back on the nifty doctors table. "Are you ready?" she asked "Not at all" was my answer but she did it anyways and holy fuck. That was not a fun feeling. It cramped and just felt weird. Once I got a look at the amount of tubing that was hidden away inside of me I was kind of mad at myself for being so freaked out that it was going to come out, because there's no way that would have happened.

2) I'm moving back to Iowa a lot sooner than expected. As I said a few posts ago I can finally talk about the fact that I'm getting a divorce. The original plan was to wait until May to go home when the Army shipped us back for his ETS. It seemed cheaper, easier, and we'd just live as roommates like we have been since May. That plan has drastically changed. Kyle went home from leave in October and since he's been back things have been pretty tense between us. He got a new girlfriend while he was back visiting his parents and it sucks listening to him talk to her all the time. I don't think that it's jealousy considering I have some pretty exciting stuff going on in my own romantic life that will be expanded on in a month or so, but I'm really happy with where life is taking me in that direction. I think it's just annoying to hear him talk to this chick and be like that's not at all who or how you are bro what the hell. When I got my surgery he spent maybe 30 minutes total the four days I was admitted at the hospital with me and it was pretty much my breaking point. I started thinking about going home in January and then as time has passed I wanted to go home sooner than that. Long story short after a particularly bad night my mother bought me a plane ticket home as a Christmas present and I'll be moving back to Iowa on December 7th. I am beyond excited about this and it makes me feel so much better knowing that I have an end day in sight and it's 26 days away.

3) Because of this I quit my job at Walmart. I feel bad seeing as it's the holidays and I've only worked there for three weeks before taking time off for my surgery, but I wasn't going to get cleared to do the heavy lifting needed for the holiday work and I'm having a tough time getting my fluids in as is so trying to do it while having to run around all day wasn't going to happen. I'm picking up some babysitting shifts between now and then to try to put a little cash away for when I get back home until I'm able to find another job. I'm going to be moving in with my romantic interest (which once you get more of the back story you'll realize isn't totally crazy or moving super fast) and he's going to be taking care of all of the bills and jazz until I'm able to start contributing. I had to fight to be able to contribute once I could because well, this man is amazing. We have a long history and he never fails to make me laugh or smile.

Seriously. Swoon.

Now on to the weight loss part. I haven't really seen the scale move since Monday but I've lost a few inches and I'm definitely seeing a difference! It hasn't been easy. I find myself watching the Tasty and Buzzfeed food videos while my mouth actually fills with drool, and longing for the day when I can take a bite and chew something. I know I'll get to the point again when I can take a bit of food instead of sip it, but that day is not today. I'm having an issue getting all of my protein in because I hate the protein drink that I got, but tomorrow is payday and I'll be going to GNC to find something new when Kyle gets off work. Hopefully I'll be able to find something that tastes better and I won't have such a hard time getting it down. Other than that it's been a lot of sugar free pudding, strained soups, and water. I get cleared to go onto the purred foods next week and I have never been so excited in my entire life for a scrambled egg or mashed potatoes. Anyways, I know you're all dying to see the stats by now so *drum roll please*

I am already seeing a difference! I wasn't at first and was getting a little bummed that I've hit my first stall and then I was getting water from the kitchen and Kyle looked at me and said he could tell I was getting thinner, so obviously I made him take a picture of me so I could do a side by side. I gotta say, I'm pretty pleased. I then measured myself and saw that although I wasn't losing weight I WAS losing inches so woooo.

I'm not going to lie to you and tell you I'll be back on a certain day, but I will be back to update in a week or so. Maybe something will have happened before then to make me post, but we'll see about that. As always I suck at endings and all so....

Let's Talk About My Vagina.

As you should know by now I have very little shame and I'll write about anything that strikes my fancy here. Today I'm going to talk about my vagina, you may remember that I've done this once before and a lot of you seemed to enjoy the topic so here we are again. At one of my many pre-op appointments my surgeon told me that he wanted me on birth control before I got the sleeve done. It is a HUGE no no to get pregnant in the first 12-18 months after surgery. Your body is still recovering from "What in the actual fuck did you just do to me?" and trying to get used to the new way you have to eat and it's just not healthy. My body is basically in starvation mode at the moment and there's no way that it would be able to handle a healthy pregnancy for me or any demon spawn that found its way inside of me. My surgeon didn't know until after my surgery that Kyle and I are getting divorced because I wasn't about to let it slip that I didn't really have that great of a support system here in Alaska and jeopardize accomplishing this goal. I told him I'd make an appointment with my PCM and I'd get it done. I decided on the IUD because that's five years of birth control that can be taken out and hell yeah what a good deal. I made my first appointment and got screened to make sure that there were no babies or STD's and praise the flying spaghetti monster aint nothing wrong with my lady bits. They made another appointment for the Friday before surgery to actually have it inserted and off I went. The nurse told me that I would feel a pinch and would probably bleed, so I went in feeling like I was about to lose my virginity all over again.

The day arrives and I'm off to my appointment to allow some strange man I've never met to place a piece of plastic in my vajay. Nothing awkward about that at all right? I get called back and three people walk into the room. A doctor, an EXTREMELY GORGEOUS male nurse, and a female chaperon. Hilarity happened. When I'm uncomfortable I crack jokes and I'm 1000% times funnier than I normally am. Want to really laugh catch me feeling awkward.

So the lady lady asks me what I chose to get the Mireana instead of another option.

Lady: Any reason you chose this method of birth control?
Me: My husband ETS's in May and I want birth control that outlasts my insurance.
Lady: Smart woman!

The doctor starts explaining the procedure to me and is discussing how they have to shove these mid-evil devices up my cervix to make a big enough opening to insert the IUD.

Doctor: Imagine the cervix as a donut.
Me: You just made donuts very unappealing.

He finishes explaining what's going on and at this point I'm like ya know, I'm not having sex with my ex so maybe this isn't needed cause this sounds like it's about to be a boat load of suck.

Doctor: Okay so what I'm going to need for you to do now is to sign this paper saying I've explained everything to you and I need you to verbally tell me your name, birthday, sponsors last four, and the reason you're here today.
Me: *Name birthday last four* and I believe I'm about to have my vagina assaulted.
Doctor: *Laughs hysterically*

The process begins and at first it just feels awkward. I've got male nurse and male doctor getting a front row view to my vag and lady is up by head. I let them know this is absolutely the most people that have been exposed to my lady bits at once and everyone laughs, which when you have gynecological tools and a finger inside of you is actually not a pleasant experience feels wise. Miss lady is doing her best to keep me preoccupied and then it gets to the painful part. The worst cramps I've ever had didn't even come close to the pain that I felt. It was absolutely awful. I announced to the room that I couldn't even handle having my cervix dilated two centimeters and I would be taking all of the drugs whenever childbirth came around.

Doctor: I know it hurts, but remember you wanted this. It's a good thing.
Male Nurse: Plus we have a signed piece of paper stating you gave us permission to do this to you.
Me: YOU SIR HAVE A PENIS AND ARE NOT ALLOWED AN OPINION AT THIS TIME.

He was nice enough to look chastised after and I appreciated that. The torture session is finally over and the male nurse realizes there isn't any wipes in the room so he leaves to go grab some. He knocks on the door before entering to hand them to the doctor.

Me: No don't come in I'm not decent!
Lady: It's just the same nurse from a minute ago, he's dropping off the wipes.
Me: I know. I was kidding, he just spent 20 minutes staring at my nether regions I'm pretty sure we've got a special bond going now.
Lady: Oh so you guys are tight now huh?
Me: Yup, just like a vagina is supposed to be.
Doctor: *snorts*

They all left me to be and I got dressed and started to head out. As I'm walking down the hallways the lady is standing at the nurses station eating a snickers bar.

Lady: You have a great rest of your day! Take it easy! Do you want a piece of candy before you go?
Me: Fuck yes I do. I just had three people with their faces in my vacooter for 20 minutes and didn't experience a lick of pleasure, may as well get something good out of it.

They're gonna remember me forever.

Five Days Ten Pounds

I plan on updating this awesome little picture every Monday with the new stats. I just found my measuring tape so I was able to take measurements and I wanted to go ahead and get them done before I started the Monday thing. This is going to be all that I'm writing at the moment but I'll be back on Monday to explain how I almost got fired, what it's like having to drink your food for two weeks, and the such. See you in a couple days.

Wanna See My Stomach?

Four days after willingly allowing a surgeon to cut into my stomach and I am finally home. Let me tell ya, this is both harder and easier than I thought that it would be. I'm not in quite as much pain as I thought that I would be, which is saying something considering I have six incisions and a drain hanging out of me still. It's super sexy. I'm bruised to all hell and have so many needle marks from shots and blood draws that I look like a tweaker who has absolutely no idea what it is I'm doing. I was kept two days longer than expected because I was having issues getting my fluids in, but I'm doing a pretty good job at that now.

My surgeon wants me drinking 15-30 ml every 15 minutes while I'm awake so I have to drink a medicine cup worth of fluids at the very least every 30 minutes. It's pretty hard to do sometimes and frankly it does hurt to swallow. I have a bigger esophagus than stomach so when I drink things it's acting like a funnel and sometimes the stuff gets stuck. Which is the least awesome feeling. I've got bruises for days and getting in and out of bed is pretty much awful. Right now I'm mainly focusing on getting my liquids and protein in. I'm allowed protein drinks, water, diluted juice, jello, sugar free pudding, and broth. I never thought I'd be so excited for broth but yesterday I was given some strained vegetable soup and it was AMAZING. I couldn't take more than a few small "bites" but it was amazing none the less.  Nom. Are you ready for some gross pictures? If you're not you should really go ahead and leave now because my surgeon was awesome and gave me a picture of the stomach they pulled out of me. Ready? READY? GOOD.

They pulled the stomach out of the top big incision that you see in the second picture. My stomach is SUPER sore.

In the past three and a half days I've gone from 304 to 302.2 which is awesome. 2.8 lbs in two days. I'm excited to see how much I'll lose.

I can finally say the other news I've been keeping to myself as well. Kyle and I are getting a divorce. The whole trying to work it out between us thing did not work. We both agreed that I'd get my surgery and he'd finish his contract before we started paperwork for the divorce, but we've known since June that we were getting a divorce. He called me and told me he wanted a divorce when I was back visiting family and I saw it coming but it still sucks a little bit. I'm absolutely fine with it and I'll have some more news on that front to update in a few days. I'm also going to write a post about getting the IUD which was awesome... not. I don't have a lot of things going on the next few weeks so you'll see me around here a little more often. 

And on that note, I'm out. 

T minus 18 days!

This post only has one point and one point only. After almost eleven months of hoops, tests, retests, multiple appointments, two different surgeons and a partridge in a pear tree.... I HAVE A SURGERY DATE! I will be getting my sleeve surgery on November 2nd. I am so filled with emotions right now. I'm excited, and scared, and happy, and nervous, and just... wow. I can't believe that after so much waiting in 18 days I'm going to have a life changing surgery.

That's the entire post right there, I don't have anything else to write about right now I'm just really excited and couldn't wait to share it!

You're a Security Guard not a Cop

The last time I posted I was getting ready to start Orientation at Walmart. I did that thing and I'm bored to tears already. There's only so many videos you can watch before you can physically feel your brain turning to mush. The first day we had a transgender woman in our class who had worked there before. She just needed to fill out paperwork but the systems were acting up so it took four hours to put six people into the system. This woman talked for four hours straight about how she lived in Argentina for three months when she got her sex change, and how much she loved Argentina, and all about her sisters dead husband and how her nieces love her, and blah blah blah. Four hours straight, anytime someone tried to change the subject off of her she'd swing it right on back. It was annoying and by the time her paperwork was in and she was freed to go to the deli I was about two minutes away from beating her with a chair telling her to shut up. So the first day took FOREVER and then they had wanted me to come back on Saturday to finish up. When they mentioned Saturday you saw the collective groups faces fall and the trainer was like "Well maaaaaybe Monday works better."

Saturday night we had another party and things got a bit out of hand. Two soldiers almost got into a fight so after separating them I ended up calling CQ and telling them they needed to come and pick up the instigator. I was absolutely over it. By the end of the night I ended up going to bed pretty pissed and very sober. It was not a fun night.

I did steal Jake's California hat though, so that was cool. Gangstaaa.

Sunday I went home and brought Harris with me. I cooked him dinner and watched the season finale of Fear the Walking dead which HOLY CRAP. I then made Harris shut his mouth while I watched the season premiere of The Walking Dead. I was actually pretty disappointed in that one and it made me kinda sad. It was good, but not nearly as good as I was expecting.

Monday was back to orientation and it once again took forever. We had the head of Walmart security thing come in and talk to us and it took everything in me for my eyes not to be stuck in perpetual rolling this lady was so full of herself. She very seriously compared herself to a police officer, then said if we saw any of her asset protection team on the floor we were not allowed to talk to them by name because it could put their lives in danger. She also drives home a different way every night to make sure she's not being followed and compared Walmart policy to laws and the way that they reprimand people to the actual judicial system. As one of my friends said this lady needs to roll back on that power trip. After all that jazz happened I was sent out on the floor for an hour and went to my section. One of my coworkers was really excited to meet me and immediately drug me over to another male coworker and introduced me. She was giving him these weird looks while I said hi and then I went back to work. Dude then came up to me five minutes later and introduced himself again and shook my hand. She continued to give him weird looks and I went on my way of stocking things. I heard her around the corner telling another co-worker that she had a bet with the dude that she could find him a girlfriend which explains the weird looks she was giving him. K no thanks. I'm just here to work, don't make it weird. I went back after lunch and tried to work on the computer programs but the system went out again and I was sent home 30 minutes early.

I was supposed to go to work yesterday but before work I stopped into Ashley's house to say hi. I went to turn on my car when it was time to leave and the only thing that came on was the radio. I called and explained the situation and was rescheduled to come in today, so I have to go do that in two hours. I got my car jumped and it turns out the thing that holds my battery in place is all sorts of corroded so I have to replace that. I ended up running home and getting my dogs while leaving the car running so that I could get a ride to work today if need be. It doesn't seem to be needed at the moment because my car started this morning but hopefully it'll be an easy fix and I won't need worry about it dying on me again.

Tomorrow I have my appointment to hopefully get my surgery scheduled and I'm going to be so mad if I need to do more things before getting my surgery date. The closer I get the more I'm freaking out but I know this is something I need to do for me so I'm going to suck up the scared shitless portion and just do the thing.

That's about it at the moment, but it's been a couple days and I didn't want to get yelled at.

No You Can't Have My Dog.

Well it's that time again, I'm bringing you another blog post. Go me, I'm kind of sticking to that whole "I want to blog more often" thing. I've got a busy couple of days for myself coming up but I'm looking forward to most of it. Tomorrow I start orientation at Walmart so I have to prepare myself for a long and boring class about how to lift things and 401k's and the like. So much fun. But once I get off work at get back to Ashley's I'm going over to my old neighbors new place for some beer pong and a birthday party. I don't plan on staying super long because I don't want to drink and we're having a game night at Ashley's after that. I'm looking forward to that. We're going to play Quelf, Mario Kart, Guitar Hero, and my favorite Cards Against Humanity. I love getting to show what an awful person I really am inside. People end up judging me, but I laugh. Saturday night we're partying again so there will be beer pong and the such. I'll end up with more bruises and that'll be fun. And the Sunday I'm headed back to my apartment. Kyle's best friend is going to come over and I'm going to cook him whatever he wants for dinner. He lives in the barracks and hasn't been over for a while so he misses my cooking. I'm also watching The Walking Dead which is FINALLY back. I'm so freaking excited about that it's not even funny.

Because I feel like this blog post needs a picture I'm going to show you guys this. Every once in a while I feel like I haven't lost any weight on my own and then I see pictures like these and totally change my mind on that.

And now onto the blog prompt. Today's thing is my dream job. My absolute dream job would be to run an animal shelter. I love animals and can think of very little I'd love more than to spend my day surrounded by animals. Except I could never do it. You see, people would come to adopt a dog and I'd be like BACK UP OFF MY DOG NO YOU CAN NOT TAKE IT.

So that's a dream job that will stay a dream forever.

And that's the post for today. You're welcome Melissa.

An Autobiography

Lookie lookie here you beautiful souls you. I decided to get a jump on Melissa's complaining and put out another post. It's easier to take the five minutes to write something than listen to her bitching at me because IT'S BEEN FOREVER WRITE SOMETHING.

Today's prompt is the last random act of kindness I did. Minus the usual holding doors open for people I'd say the last random act I did was scrub down Ashley's kitchen at 2 am when I couldn't sleep. I did dishes, organized, moved things to wipe under them, etc. She woke up the next morning and told me that I wasn't allowed to leave because she loved me.

And that's all the post you're getting today because I don't really have anything else to say. I did the thing and wrote the post though. Gold star for me. I'm going to leave you with my current favorite thing on the internet, so much so that I made it my new Facebook cover.

I laughed so damn hard. That is all.