Monday, June 23, 2014

I don't want the D, I'll take the bear though.

A week or so ago my friend Eric invited me to a carnival he had to work. He works for the city so he was on cleanup duty. I walked around a bit while he worked and explored the fair by myself. I got a henna tattoo, ate a pickle, bought a toe ring that I wore for approximately three hours before it took off an entire layer of skin and left me bleeding. Good times, good times.


While I was wandering a carnie called me over to him. The conversation went as follows.

Carnie: Hey girl, come here a second.
Me: No thank you, I don't want to play.
Carnie: How are you going to play when I don't have the balloons blown up for you to pop. I just want to ask you a question about your tattoo.
Me: Okay what is it?
Carnie: What does it say?
Me: You are beautiful in Gaelic.
Carnie: Girl you don't need a reminder for that.
Me: Okay, thanks.
*starts to walk away*
Carnie: Hey, hey wait a minute. What are you doin tonight? You wanna come out with me when I get off? I'll give you one of these big stuffed animals for coming out with me.
Me: No thanks, I already have plans tonight.
Carnie: With who? Break them.
Me: A guy who works here, and no.
Carnie: Who is it?
Me: He doesn't work for the carnival, he works for the city.
Carnie: Oh, is he big?
Me: He's 6'6.
Carnie: Is he big. *holds hands out to simulate penis size*
Me: Yup.
Carnie: How about this, if I have a bigger schlong than him you come out with me instead.
Me: Nope. I'm good I'm walking away now.
Carnie: That's okay, I like watching you leave too, gives me a chance to see what you're working with.
Me: Okay then.
*starts to walk away*
Carnie: I LIKE WHAT YOU'RE WORKING WITH. SHAKE THAT ASS GIRL.

*le sigh*

I don't want your dick, but I totally would have taken the stuffed animal.

Friday, June 6, 2014

I Promise, We're Not Terrorists.

*The following story was posted with my mother's permission*

I had three graduations to go to in two days. First, we had Samantha's fifth grade graduation and my god she was ADORABLE. She sat with the class the entire time and did so well. She's typically a ball of energy so the fact that she sat through the 45 minute ceremony and didn't try to get up and run around the room was fantastic. She walked across the stage and took her certificate and was just super freaking cute in general. Seriously guys, look at her.


I'm seriously going to miss this girl more than the rest of them combined. She's the cutest, and sweetest, and no questions asked my favorite sister ever. Actually, she's just straight up my favorite sibling.


So I had her graduation on Tuesday, and then Wednesday my little brother graduated from eighth grade. I went to small schools my entire life, so when I walked out onto the field and saw FOUR FUCKING HUNDRED chairs set up JUST for the eighth graders I nearly had a heart attack. He looked really handsome though and we yelled really loud when he walked by even though we were asked not to. What can I say? We're a family full of rebels.


Look at that stylish fool. And I freaking love my mom's face in this picture. It's like weird porn star which is kind of weird considering it's my mother, but you know whatever. We're also an extremely inappropriate family, so it just goes with the territory. (When your mother finds out you've lost your virginity and asks if you had an orgasm, you know you were raised right.)

We had his graduation in the morning, and it was hot as balls. Seriously, I was cranky, hot, and in raging bitch mode by the time it ended. Fuck that ceremony. After his was over we came back to the house and hung out until my sisters graduation. We all got ready and headed out about an hour and a half before the ceremony started so we could find parking. It was ridiculous. We sat there forever.



Anyways, for the funny story part that I needed permission to post. my mom had this weird dress on that was low cut in the back, and had a mini skirt type thing, with a layer of black sheer material that went down to her feet. As we were sitting on the bleachers my aunt was sitting behind my mom and kept pulling up on the back of her dress because her bra strap was showing. My mom finally told my aunt she couldn't keep pulling it up because she was pulling the skirt part out from under her butt and she was going to end up flashing people. My mom then stood up and my aunt yanked her skirt back down and she returned to her sitting position. The ceremony finally begins and we're all asked to stand for the National Anthem. Out of the corner of my eye I see my mom go to stand up, and then quickly sit back down. She starts giggling and starts to wriggle around a little bit. We all look at her like she's crazy and then my sister in law leans down to her and she whispers something to my sister, who starts cracking up laughing in a silent stadium. She whispers to my other sister in law who also starts giggling. At this point dirty looks are being shot back at us, and we're getting looks like we're the absolute worst people on Earth. I tap my sister in law on the shoulder and ask what's so funny and she leans back to me and whispers "When Keri pulled down her skirt, she pulled down her underwear too. They're around her thighs and she can't stand up!" At this point we all break out into a fit of giggles and have everyone in our section giving us looks that could kill. Even my dad who's on the other side of our group is giving us dirty looks, which just makes us laugh harder. My mom spent about half of the song trying to get her panties pulled back up without being super obvious about it, and we spent the entire time trying to silent laugh. My sister in law was literally doubled over gasping for air at one point. It was quite possibly the funniest thing I have ever witnessed in my life.

To the people at the graduation, I promise, we're not terrorists. My mother's ass was just feeling extremely patriotic.