Monday, December 22, 2014

My Virtual Life Is Better Than My Real One, And Other Rambles

I have spent approximately 80% of my awake time playing the Sims 3. My life in this game is fantastic. I'm an expert and painting, athletics, charisma, and piano. My job? A movie star. I have a degree in the Fine Arts. My husband? A sexy forensic scientist that has tattoos, is a genius, and has a degree in Technology. We also have three kids, all of which have imaginary friends. Did I forget to mention we're also millionaires? Yeah. My virtual life is awesome. I need new hobbies, because I'm legit jealous of my computer character.

In the other ramblings:

Mom: I sent you some presents so you have something to open on Christmas morning. Put them under your tree.
Me: We don't have a tree, but we'll get like a pine scented air freshener and pin it to the wall.

We went a step up and got a real tree!

Well, kind of. It's not a real tree, but it's not an air freshener. So yay!

You see, we got a puppy a while ago and have a cat, so getting a real tree is just not going to happen. About our puppy, I haven't said anything about her because I have some friends who are pretty outspoken about my life, and I didn't want to hear the bitching about the fact that we got a puppy. I finally decided I didn't care anymore and made it public, so you get to meet her too! Her name is Tempest, and she's a Newfoundland mix. We're not sure what she's mixed with, but we know she's going to be huge considering her size at 4 months old. This is our Tempy.

And this is the size a Newfoundland gets.

Yeah, we maybe didn't think that through completely, but I adore her. She's a complete sweetheart and makes me laugh on a daily basis.

In other other ramblings, I cut off most of my hair today. You see, I've been dying it since I was 10, and my poor hair has taken it's fair share of damage. It's been breaking and falling out in CHUNKS since I dyed my hair. I tried to get it to go purple, and it did not. Before going purple I had to bleach it and that caused what little will to live my hair had left to flee right out of it. It's been awful and I hate brushing my hair and feeling like I'm balding. So I went today to get most of the breakage cut off, she went a lot shorter than I had anticipated in the back, but I'm pretty sure I like it.

I finished my goal of 100 books read this year, because I rock.

And because we know that I suck at endings, I'm going to leave you with the play I made in Cards Against Humanity that absolutely solidified my spot in hell. There's no debate about it anymore, I'm going to make my Satan my BITCH.

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

I'm No Shakespeare

I want to write more, but I also want to make sure that I'm leaving this space open for about my life and later down the line about my weigh loss surgery. Cue: I'm No Shakespeare.

I have a book called 642 Thing to Write About, and I want to write about all of them. I plan on writing on each subject from the start of the book to the end and I'll be writing all of them over there. If you want to know more about my project click here. Feel free to follow along while I write and stuff.

Thursday, December 11, 2014

Damn You Cancer Sticks

I had my consultation with the surgeon today and it went relatively well. I really liked the surgeon. One of the things I was nervous about is that they just started doing these surgeries here last month, He assured me that he has been doing them for years, so although they're new to the hospital they're not new to him.

The good news is that he said physically I'm an ideal candidate and my Bi-Polar will not prevent me from getting the surgery done as long as I keep up with my mental health and continue to follow my plan of care. There's a course that the hospital requires that I take before the surgery that teaches about the surgery, about the eating habits afterwards, what exercises you should do, how to cope emotionally, etc. He said it depends on the patient but surgery can be scheduled after the courses are complete, which if you're dedicated and working on it could be as soon as a month after starting them. This is all good news.

The bad news is I've been a pack a day smoker for almost seven years. Because of this he told me he won't touch me with a scalpel until I have been nicotine free for six months. Six. Months. You read that correctly. He said that smoking increases the risk of a hernia 20%, and it increases the likelihood of an infection or the stomach not healing properly. From what I understood when you smoke it basically suffocates your veins and doesn't allow as much oxygen to get to them, when you have the surgery you have 60-80% less stomach to be able to absorb the oxygen that it's used to. Without that oxygen the staples won't heal as quickly and there are chances for complications. I've attempted to quit smoking multiple times before, and always failed. I think a big part of that was because I was trying to quit because other people wanted me to. I decided at the appointment that I have one pack of cigarettes left and once those are gone, they're gone and I'm done. I want this surgery more than I want another pack of cigarettes, so this will be a good thing. I am pretty bummed that because of smoking I'm now seven months out from surgery instead of one month, but most people have to wait six months to get it anyways so I kind of expected some form of wait.

Although I wish I could get it sooner, I'm slightly okay with the wait because, well, I'm a fatty. There's a chance I will be going to California in May to watch my younger siblings while my parents go on vacation, and not having the surgery done yet will allow me to enjoy some real Mexican food and eat one last Chipotle burrito before my stomach can't handle it anymore. #fatkidsoul

I'm not sure what waiting six months of not smoking will mean for the blog. I absolutely want to focus more on blogging about the surgery than anything else, but this is leaving a six month gap in my plan. I'm not comfortable sharing the inner workings of my marriage anymore as we're trying to focus on us and I don't feel right broadcasting it to the world. With that being said, I will still post between now and starting the classes. I have a book with about seven hundred idea topics to write about and I would like to get back into blogging a bit again. However, I don't want to write just to write. I've made countless numbers of posts in the past about absolutely nothing and that's not how I want to run this bitch anymore. I've decided I'm not going to put myself on a schedule. When I first started blogging I wanted to be a big blog with tons of readers, I'm not really interested in that any more. I'm not going to follow the rules of blog land. I don't care about the number of people my blog reaches, I care about the content I put out. I want to write when I want to, about what I want to write, and how I want to write it. If that means that you get a long post with no pictures, a bunch of curse words, or me shamelessly expressing my opinion with no fucks to give what anyone else will think, so be it. And while I'll be posting about my life some and I absolutely will still be wildly inappropriate at times, I also want to make sure that what I post either matters or is funny. Basically what I'm saying is don't expect me to come back with the four to five posts a week. Hell, there may be a couple of weeks that go by that I don't say anything at all. Just know that I'm around and I'll be posting when I want to, because it's my blog and as Cartman would say...

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

I'm Going To (Hopefully) Be Surgically Removing My Stomach

After a lot of consideration, thinking long and hard (like one of my favorite things in life is) I've decided I'm going to pursue weight loss surgery. I was leaning towards getting the lapband done because a friend and my cousin both had it done and have had success. I scheduled an appointment with my doctor and discussed wanting the referral for surgery with him. I explained that I saw a nutritionist about a eighteen months ago when I was considering getting gastric bypass done and that I lost over 50 lbs in 2013 with the diet changes that she suggested. I also explained that since I went on my crazy pills in May that I've gained 30 of those pounds back.

We discussed my options and he suggested I look into the gastric sleeve. With the lapband I would have to travel to Anchorage for the consultation and to get the surgery done, and that they do the gastric sleeving at our hospital here. He also said that the sleeve has the greatest overall weight loss. I've done some research on it and from what I gather the surgery entails them cutting out roughly 80% of my stomach and stapling it back together in a sleeve the size of the banana. With the lapband they leave a plastic contraction in me that's adjustable, with the gastric bypass they reroute my stomach, and although it sounds scary I think I like the idea of just removing part of my stomach and not leaving anything in me or rerouting anything the most. Another cool thing about the sleeve is part of the stomach that's removed is the part that produces the hormone that causes you to get hungry. I like that.

I'm basically back at pictures two and three now after the weight gain. Boo. Faces.

My doctor told me that physically I am an ideal candidate for the surgery. I'm above the BMI requirement and I have a history of showing that I can lose weight. He said the only thing that may hold me up on getting it is my Bi-Polar diagnosis. He also said however that the fact that I had seen mental health before my appointment, that I'm stable on my medication, and that I'm already set up with a counselor (albeit a marriage one, but it's something) greatly increases my chances of being approved. It shows a history of me taking my mental health seriously and that I'm able to stick with my plan of treatment. He put in a referral to have a consultation with the surgeon to discuss if they think I'm a good candidate and what steps I'll need to take in order to get my approval. I discussed this with him on Friday, and I got a phone call on Tuesday scheduling my consultation for tomorrow. It's possible I'll have to wait six months to actually get the surgery if the surgeon chooses to move forward, but I like how quickly this has progressed so far.

I'm not going to lie, I'm really nervous. I do think this is the right decision for me though, I've tried and failed multiple times at losing the weight myself and think that I need the extra boost the surgery will give me. This surgery isn't something that I can quit, I can't ask them to put my stomach back in, once this commitment is made, it's made for life. I am in no way expecting this to be a miracle pill, I don't expect to wake up in the hospital a hundred pounds lighter. This is going to be taxing both physically and emotionally. I'm going to have to redefine my relationship with food. I'll have to be on a liquid diet the first two weeks after surgery, and that's a lot of protein shakes. I'm going to have to eat mush food (scrambled eggs, yogurt, refried beans) for another two to three weeks after that. I'm going to have to teach myself to eat because my body needs it for fuel and not because I'm having a bad day or it tastes good. I'm going to have to learn how to live without Dr Pepper. I'm going to have to come to terms that I may have setbacks, that the weight doesn't come off as quickly as I'd like, that there will be plateaus. I'm going to have to deal with a whole new set of insecurities when my body shrinks but my skin doesn't. I'm going to have to learn how to truly love myself again, which I think is going to be one of the most emotionally draining ones of all.

With all of these things that are hard, there will also be a lot of positives as well. I'm going to stop hurting my body by carrying around so much extra weight. I'm going to be healthy. I'm going to get to walk into a doctors office with an issue and have them not immediately blame it on my weight. I'm going to be able to sit in my husband's lap without worrying I'm going to break his legs. I'm going to be able to walk into a store and be able to buy an outfit that's cute, not one that's located in it's own small section with a few options that all scream "I LOVE ANIMAL PRINT" or "I HAVE TWELVE GRANDKIDS AND FIFTY TWO CATS." I'm going to be able to see what I'll look like thin for the first time since I was eleven. I'm going to be able to walk up a flight of stairs without getting winded. I'm going to up my chances of both getting pregnant, and having a healthy pregnancy. I'm going to be able to play tag with my children, and be an (keyword) ACTIVE part of their lives instead of sitting on the sidelines.

It's scary, but it's also extremely exciting and I think this is going to be the best decision I've ever made for myself. With all of that being said, while I was doing my research I was looking for blogs that people chronicled their gastric sleeve journey from start on out and I couldn't find any. I wanted the candid, day to day, bare all this is how I truly feel account of getting the surgery done, and I couldn't find one. It occurred to me that if I wanted to be able to read something like this and couldn't find it, that there were probably other people that have and will search the same thing and also not be able to find one too. I decided to be that person for them, since I haven't had one for me. I'm going to chronicle my journey through this absolutely honestly and let anyone who's interested in the surgery get to know more  about it from my point of view. I'll be posting about what I need to do to qualify for it, the surgery, the healing, how the diets go, what I can and can't eat, how much I exercise, and how the weight loss is going. I plan do to a weigh in, take measurements, and take pictures once a week so that those who are interested can see the changes as they're happening. You can watch me both grow (emotionally) and shrink (physically). I plan on being candid. The great, the good, the bad, and the ugly.

In preparation for the avenue that I'm taking my blog, I deleted a lot of the old posts. I was at nearly 500 and now I'm down to fifty. The majority of my posts didn't really say anything of substance anyways, and more than I'd care to admit were more along the lines "Welp, I suck at blogging, I haven't posted in a few weeks here's a general update and promises to post more" and then I didn't. I decided to keep posts that were meaningful to me, that I thought were extremely well written, or that I really enjoyed writing/make me laugh. In the next couple of days I'll also be redesigning the page and changing things up a bit. You can still expect me to be completely inappropriate, extremely candid, and absolutely hilarious as always, but it's going to have an actual direction now as well.

If you're wanting to follow along, by all means, join me on this journey. If not, ain't* no feelings going to be hurt by you clicking that unfollow button.

*Can we take a second here to discuss the absurdity in the fact that the internet accepts ain't is a word (no squiggly line) but refried beans (which is how they spell it on the cans, I CHECKED) is considered wrong?

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

How to Order a Magazine (Without Getting Fucked)

I know that I said I wasn't going to be posting again until I was back in Alaska, but this post has been circling in my head for days now and it's begging to get out, which lead to me stealing my dad's computer and whipping up this bad boy here.

As I mentioned I've been working for a company that orders magazines for people. We do all the data entry and take all of the customer service calls for some of the biggest magazines in the country. Now that I've been doing this for a few months I feel like I have a pretty good hand on how to not get taken advantage of and figured I'd be nice enough to share some of these tips with you. So without further ado, I present to you:

Tip #1: It's called a subscription, not a prescription.You would be astonished at how many people don't know the difference. I can't even begin to count the number of times that I've been asked to renew or cancel someone's prescription. I am not a pharmacist, that is outside of my power. My apologies.

Tip #2: Don't. It's as simple as that. Just don't order a magazine subscription. Keep your magazine reading to in the check out line as they were intended to be. Regardless of "what a good deal you got" I absolutely 120% guarantee  you that someone out there is getting a much better deal than you. You're getting twelve issues for $16.90 a year? Awesome. There's someone getting it for $10. You got that awesome preferred customer bonus of it being $7.97 to renew? Good for you, someone else just got it for buy one get a gift for free. You will always be over paying. But, if I can't talk you out of subscribing anyways and you just have to know what Kim Kardashian is doing this month, or what recipe Rachel Ray wants to teach you how to make, or what really interests the playmate of the year then make sure to pay attention to the following tips. You stubborn bunch you.

Tip #3: Don't be Canadian. I get that there's the exchange rate and all that jazz, but on average Canadians pay at least twice as much as citizens of the good ol' US of A. The US rate could go for $10 for 12 issues, while the Canadians are paying $28 for 12 issues.

Tip #4: If you really want to avoid being screwed, absolutely don't live anywhere outside of Canada or the US. While Canadians are paying that $28, someone in England is paying $40.

Tip #5: You will NEVER get a bill from a magazine for past products. You'll get an invoice for future products. I can not even begin to tell you the number of times that I've had to put on a payment for someone who just made a payment because they thought it was a bill. Or the number of times I've had to extend someone's subscription even though they sent in asking for it to be canceled because they sent in a check that they thought they owed. Think of it this way, when you buy something, anything really (things you finance excluded), you do not get the product until you have paid for it. You don't go to the grocery store, take the food, and then get a bill in the mail. You pay for it, and then you get to take it. Absolutely anything asking for money that comes to you from your magazine company is for future issues. You do not owe any money, you will not owe any money. They will not ship the magazines until they are paid for, so never fear. All that will happen if you don't pay your subscription fee is you won't get the magazine anymore.

Tip #6: Keep EXCELLENT records of when you paid for your subscription and how long you purchased the subscription for. Every invoice and renewal form that gets sent out looks like a bill, so people tend to pay them without realizing that they're buying another years worth. They also send renewal notices out multiple times a year, so make sure not to send it back with a payment unless you actually want to purchase another year. You would not believe the number of people I've put orders on for that have been rejected because they're subscribed until 2020 and have no idea they've paid that many times. You can find your expiration date on the address label. Here's a random picture I found online to show you what it will look like.

Tip #7: There are a few key words that you should write on your subscription when you sent it off to us little office fairies. I truly wish that I could set these up for everyone, but we're not allowed to do anything to them unless these key phrases are used. Are you ready?

  • "Do not sell or rent my information."
You know how you sometimes order something from one place, and then end up getting all of that junk mail from people that you've never heard of and have no idea how they found you? We gave that information to them. Companies sell names and addresses of their customers to other companies, these companies buy them to build their client base. That simple phrase is the "Do Not Call" list for junk mail. When you say those magic words we are allowed to put a block on your account so they don't show up on any of those lists. Walah. Junk mail avoided. 

  • "Do not auto renew for myself and/or gifts."
As I said before you'll never get a bill for something from the past, but saying to not auto renew makes it to where you don't have that "unpaid balance" on your account. When the subscription is coming close to an end they'll send you a renewal notice, letting you know that it's about to expire and asking if you'd like to renew. This is just nicer and less scary than getting something in the mail that makes you think you owe them money. 

Tip #8: If at any point in your adult life anyone has ever looked at anything you've written and asked "What does that say?" for the love of all things holy please, for the sake of all of us data entry techs, type out your order. It's easier for everyone involved. People write out their names and addresses for themselves and their gifts and sometimes we have absolutely no idea where we're supposed to send them, or who we're supposed to send them to because they're so hard to read. If you've ever ordered a gift subscription for someone and it ended up at your house with their name on it I can 110% promise you it's because one of us lowly peons couldn't figure out where it was going to. Also, don't write in cursive. I know, I know. It's pretty and you learned how to do it in elementary school and have to be able to use it somewhere, I get it I do. But don't. A) Sometimes your cursive isn't as pretty as you think it is and just looks like someone scribbled on the paper leading to more "what the hell are they saying?" and 2) Surprisingly enough, not everyone knows how to read cursive. I have a friend who never learned. I asked her what she did for a signature then and her response was "I dunno... I scribble?" Which is exactly what your cursive looks like to people that can't read it. 

Tip #9: Before you send it off, especially with gift subscriptions double check all of the addresses. Did you include a street number? The apartment number? Is the zip code right? Are all names spelled correctly? We go by what is written (or when the handwriting is awful what we think is written) for where we're sending that magazine to. If you said it went to Detroit but you really meant that it went to Delta, guess what? That sucks for you you're not going to get it until you realize the mistake because it's going to Delta. 

Tip #10a: This one is a two parter in regards to gift subscriptions. First, if you're canceling a gift and there is shipping, make sure to take that into consideration. If the shipping is a dollar and you're only canceling one subscription but keeping the other, that shipping cost goes down to fifty cents. These companies make thousands a year from nickle and diming people that don't realize they've over paid by a quarter here and there. They add up quickly on their end. I put on at least a hundred dollars a day on excess shipping fees because people forget to take that into consideration. Say you have two subscriptions, and each subscription costs 16.97. How it will show up on the invoice is:

Gift subscription: $33.94
Shipping: $1.00
Total: $34.94

People tend to divide the gift subscription and still pay the full shipping. Don't. Also, if you do cancel a subscription, just know that we wonder what happened. Why are you still giving to this person and not that person? Is the reason it went from Mr-Mrs John Smith to Jane Smith on your account the hussy Sally Something that you just stopped giving the magazine to? It totally is in my head. You absolutely don't have to, but you'd absolutely make someones day if you wrote something next to the cancel, even if it's not true. "Cancel, she slept with my brother." "Cancel, we had a falling out because he smells weird." Anything, it's a boring job and my favorites are getting the random funny messages people sometimes send in. 

Tip #10b: If your gift renewal has the option to put add another gift and you don't see anything on the paper about how much the new gift is do not send in money for it. Chances are very high that they'll be less than the gift that you're paying now. You don't want to pay $16.97 for a subscription that only should have cost you $10. You'll get an invoice back after the order is put on. It's worth the wait to save the money. 

Tip #11:  If you decide to not listen to those math tips and still want to try and do your own math, please show your work. The number of times I sit at my cubicle wanting to beat my monitor with my keyboard out of frustration over peoples math skills are troublesome. I'll look at the check amount and be like WHERE DID THEY GET THESE NUMBERS FROM?! So if you want to try and do your own math, please give some indication of how you got to the number on your check. Please. It saves us a lot of time and Advil. 

Tip #12: Ready for a secret? If you send in a check and it's not the amount of the invoice, but it's close enough, we'll take it. Don't feel like you should have to pay the shipping? Then don't. The system will still accept it. The systems will accept payments up to a couple dollars short as paid in full. If you have a ten dollar order and send in seven, it'll take it. But if you go down too far you'll get a bill for a weird small amount, so keep that in mind. 

Tip #13: This seems like a good tip to end on because of Halloween and superstition and all that jazz. If you have decided that you no longer want to receive anything from the magazine anymore, no issues, no renewals, no correspondence at all just tell them that you died. Send in a statement that was sent to you with "deceased" or "she died" written on it and we get to black out your record. You won't get anything from the company anymore.

And, if you ever resort to tip #13, I'd like to remind you that tip #2 would have saved you all of that trouble. 

Saturday, August 9, 2014

The Believer Cookie.

I've made no secret about the fact that I'm an Atheist. My entire family knows, and they're all religious in one way or another. I posted a bit of a conversation about the Believer Cookie recently, but I wanted to finish telling the story today. 

First, I had walked into my step aunts house to pick up my brother for football practice. 

Me: What's going on with that?
Kelly: Grilled turkey and cheese.
Me: No, not that. THAT.
Kelly: Those are cookies for VBS. 
Me: But I won't be there... can I have one?
Kelly: No. These are believer cookies. Just for people that believe in God. 
Me: But...
Kelly: Nope. Believer cookies. 
Me: Are they made with holy water?
Kevin: They've been blessed too.
Me: But...
Kelly: Do you believe in God Becca?
Me: No...
Kelly: Then no cookie for you.
Me: Wouldn't it be just as bad for me to say that I believed in God just for a cookie?
Kelly: Yup.
Me: ..... would it work?
Kelly: Nope.
Me: Damn it. 

I left without my cookie and was extremely sad, because it looked amazing. Later that night after I got back from my brothers practice my stepmom came home. She had to run to her sister's house and I asked her to bring me back a cookie. When she came home I was outside.

Me: Did you bring my cookie?!
Kim: Kelly wants to know if you believe yet. 
Me: I believe that cookie looks delicious. 

We went into the house and she handed me the cookie. It looked amazing. 

I took a picture, ate the crap out of the cookie, and posted it on Facebook with the following statement.

Me: Kim stole me a believer cookie. Much like Eve with the Apple, it tasted that much better because it was forbidden. The holy water burned my tongue a bit, but worth every bite. NOM.

She commented on it and said: I didn't steal it. it was a gift. Hopefully the Spirit is growing in your heart as we speak.

I responded with: IT WAS A TRAP ALL ALONG! And with one cookie her heart grew three sizes that day... wait... wrong book.

I also changed the wording on the picture to: Kim bestowed upon me the gift of a believer cookie. Much like Eve with the Apple, it tasted that much better because I knew it should be forbidden because I am not truly a believer. The holy water burned my tongue a bit, but worth every bite. NOM.

The very next morning I woke up and had started my period. I was cramping something fierce and found my step mom on the phone with her sister.

Me: My uterus feels like it's falling out. Do you have anything I can take?
Kim: Kelly said it's the believer cookie, the transformation is starting.

Me: I can't help but feel like Eve right now. Eat the forbidden cookie, bam. Period. If God's trying to get me onto team Christian, this is not the way to do it. 

I can't help but feel like if at any point in my life I do start believing in God, that Kelly is going to take the credit for it saying that the Believer Cookie has finally worked. 

Friday, August 8, 2014

Do WHO you want.

I have a profile on a site called meet me. It's a site that's supposed to be for making friends, but the longer that I stay on it the more obvious that it becomes that it's basically a site for people to bitch about being single and hope to get a hook-up. Why am I still there? It's interesting to me to see the dynamics play out, and frankly I find it a little entertaining.

A few days ago a post came up in the live feed from a boy (the way he spoke clearly showed that he wasn't a man) that said something along the lines of "I'm single, who wants to change that? Don't message me if you're a whore." I'm paraphrasing of course because his grammar and spelling was awful and that just makes me cringe. A woman had commented on his post about how he says he wants to be in a relationship and doesn't want whores, but then he messages women and tries to speak in a sexual manner to them. His post rubbed me the wrong way and when I clicked on his profile 98% of his posts were either him bitching about being single, or him calling women whores. I commented on his post and said something along the lines of "You seem to call any women who has an active sex life that isn't sleeping with you a whore. It seems a bit hypocritical." To which he responded that that's just because I was a whore and that he's "heard things about me." Mind you, on this website my name is not located anywhere on it. I purposely changed my screen name because I live in a very small town that would be extremely easy to find someone in. I told him there was no way that he'd heard anything about me and it was extremely possible the reason that he was still single is that he's constantly complaining about the fact that he's single (desperation is not sexy people) and that his words show a blatant disrespect for women. I then got offline and laid down to go to bed and the idea for a post about slut shaming popped into my head. I had planned on screen shotting his profile to show you all exactly how bad this dude was, but he changed it to private by the time he woke up.

So let's get on to the slut shaming portion of this then. We live in a day and age that sex sells. It sells beer, clothes, cars, music, movies, books. It's insinuated that if you eat this yogurt you'll look sexy and if you wear this cologne all of the women will want you. It surrounds us everywhere we look in the media and advertising world. It is completely socially acceptable to use a woman's body to convince people that you want certain things, but the minute that a woman starts dressing like those in the beer commercials and being confident about what she wants she's deemed a slut. Men assume she's easy and women make disrespectful and hurtful comments. They tear this person down.

To me, it doesn't matter how many people a person sleeps with, it doesn't make them a slut. If you have a healthy sexual appetite and are not in a relationship, by all means, sleep around if you want. I don't care if you've slept with 1 person or 1,000 people as long as you're happy, safe, and it's all consensual I'm not going to judge you. You have every right to sleep with whoever you want, (as long as they're not committed to somebody else) whenever you want, however you want. Have a threesome, have an orgy, have a one night stand, booty call, fuck buddy, sleep together on a first date. If it feels right and both parties are willing it is nobody else's business but yours. In a society where we market sex but condemn having it, you have to be confident and let the negative and hurtful comments roll off your back.

A HUGE issue that comes along with slut shaming is victim blaming. "Oh she initiated and said no, so I know she really wanted it, she was just being a tease." "She was wearing a mini skirt, she wanted it." "The way she walked let me know she wasn't really saying no." What. The. Fuck. Ever. NO means NO. I don't care if she's slept with the entire NFL the second that the word no comes out of someones mouth, your encounter is over. Don't push, don't guilt, don't assume she's joking. People assume that sluts can't be raped, "they're asking for it." and that makes me skin crawl. Exploring your sexuality is not asking for it, just because she's slept with 300 people does not mean she wanted to sleep with you.

We're going to hop to the other side of this spectrum for a second before I'm done ranting. I saw a preview a month or so ago for a show on MTV called "The Virgin Diaries". It's about these mystical unicorns of people who are adults and gasp still virgins. The fact that the media has so much influence on our sex lives to the point of making a show to illustrate how weird you are if you haven't had sex disgusts me. If you haven't had sex yet, you haven't had sex yet. That's the extent of it. It doesn't make you broken, or weird, or less than. Whether you're waiting for marriage or just haven't found someone that peaks your interest or just aren't ready yet that's a personal decision for you to make. Please don't let anyone talk you into doing something that you don't want to do.

It is not shameful to be a virgin. It is not shameful to sleep with a lot of men. It is not anyone's business but your own. 

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Take Me Out to the Ball Game

I went to a baseball game the other day. Do you know what my favorite part about baseball is? The pants. Mmm baseball butt is sexy butt. My brother got to go down and meet the team, and I was super jealous. I'd like to meet a few members off that team if you know what I mean. ;)

Anywho, it was actually a really fun game. The announcer was crap and only did his job one out of every 20 plays, and whoever was in charge of the sound board was a mix between a drunk monkey and a two year old, because they played weird songs at weird times and it just wasn't conductive to the baseball experience at all.

My grandma came with us and I realized that she's basically just a three year old. Let me explain. She says she's hungry so I go and get her a hotdog with relish on it. She goes to bite into it and immediately spills the relish on her shirt, and wipes it off. (Read wipes it in) She then says that she would like some nachos around the fifth inning, so I go to buy her those and she immediatly drops a chip covered in cheese on her shirt, and repeats the process. Later I leave to go smoke a cigarette and on my way back I see someone walk by with a soft serve ice cream cone, which I have been craving for quite some time. I go buy one, for six freaking dollars guys, baseball games are highway robbery but I digress. I come back to my seat eating it and get "Oooohhhhhh...." as she just stares at it. I hand it over to her so she can eat it, and I'm sure you can guess what happened. Right away spills some on herself. She gave it back and I finished what I wanted and then gave her the rest because I could see her staring at it out of the corner of my eye. "You can finish this, I don't want it anymore." I tell her. Her response is "OOOOOHHHH REALLY?! YOU'RE SURE? I CAN HAVE IT ALL?!" I freaking love that woman so much.

Later I'm sitting there and I'm kinda spacing out a bit. I hear people shouting and I look up and there's a foul ball coming directly at me. I mean directly the fuck at me. I didn't bring a glove, I was not prepared for this to happen. It hit right next to my foot and bounced two chairs over. My dad yelled at me to grab it so I snatched it off the ground, almost out of a little kids hand. I beat him there by a nanosecond. I felt awful and if it wasn't my little sisters birthday I would have given it to him, but instead I gave it to her. She got it signed after the game and snuggled it all the way home. She's weird.

That's all I have to write. I think we've established I suck at ending these things by now, sooooo have a completely unrelated funny picture.

Monday, June 23, 2014

I don't want the D, I'll take the bear though.

A week or so ago my friend Eric invited me to a carnival he had to work. He works for the city so he was on cleanup duty. I walked around a bit while he worked and explored the fair by myself. I got a henna tattoo, ate a pickle, bought a toe ring that I wore for approximately three hours before it took off an entire layer of skin and left me bleeding. Good times, good times.

While I was wandering a carnie called me over to him. The conversation went as follows.

Carnie: Hey girl, come here a second.
Me: No thank you, I don't want to play.
Carnie: How are you going to play when I don't have the balloons blown up for you to pop. I just want to ask you a question about your tattoo.
Me: Okay what is it?
Carnie: What does it say?
Me: You are beautiful in Gaelic.
Carnie: Girl you don't need a reminder for that.
Me: Okay, thanks.
*starts to walk away*
Carnie: Hey, hey wait a minute. What are you doin tonight? You wanna come out with me when I get off? I'll give you one of these big stuffed animals for coming out with me.
Me: No thanks, I already have plans tonight.
Carnie: With who? Break them.
Me: A guy who works here, and no.
Carnie: Who is it?
Me: He doesn't work for the carnival, he works for the city.
Carnie: Oh, is he big?
Me: He's 6'6.
Carnie: Is he big. *holds hands out to simulate penis size*
Me: Yup.
Carnie: How about this, if I have a bigger schlong than him you come out with me instead.
Me: Nope. I'm good I'm walking away now.
Carnie: That's okay, I like watching you leave too, gives me a chance to see what you're working with.
Me: Okay then.
*starts to walk away*

*le sigh*

I don't want your dick, but I totally would have taken the stuffed animal.

Friday, June 6, 2014

I Promise, We're Not Terrorists.

*The following story was posted with my mother's permission*

I had three graduations to go to in two days. First, we had Samantha's fifth grade graduation and my god she was ADORABLE. She sat with the class the entire time and did so well. She's typically a ball of energy so the fact that she sat through the 45 minute ceremony and didn't try to get up and run around the room was fantastic. She walked across the stage and took her certificate and was just super freaking cute in general. Seriously guys, look at her.

I'm seriously going to miss this girl more than the rest of them combined. She's the cutest, and sweetest, and no questions asked my favorite sister ever. Actually, she's just straight up my favorite sibling.

So I had her graduation on Tuesday, and then Wednesday my little brother graduated from eighth grade. I went to small schools my entire life, so when I walked out onto the field and saw FOUR FUCKING HUNDRED chairs set up JUST for the eighth graders I nearly had a heart attack. He looked really handsome though and we yelled really loud when he walked by even though we were asked not to. What can I say? We're a family full of rebels.

Look at that stylish fool. And I freaking love my mom's face in this picture. It's like weird porn star which is kind of weird considering it's my mother, but you know whatever. We're also an extremely inappropriate family, so it just goes with the territory. (When your mother finds out you've lost your virginity and asks if you had an orgasm, you know you were raised right.)

We had his graduation in the morning, and it was hot as balls. Seriously, I was cranky, hot, and in raging bitch mode by the time it ended. Fuck that ceremony. After his was over we came back to the house and hung out until my sisters graduation. We all got ready and headed out about an hour and a half before the ceremony started so we could find parking. It was ridiculous. We sat there forever.

Anyways, for the funny story part that I needed permission to post. my mom had this weird dress on that was low cut in the back, and had a mini skirt type thing, with a layer of black sheer material that went down to her feet. As we were sitting on the bleachers my aunt was sitting behind my mom and kept pulling up on the back of her dress because her bra strap was showing. My mom finally told my aunt she couldn't keep pulling it up because she was pulling the skirt part out from under her butt and she was going to end up flashing people. My mom then stood up and my aunt yanked her skirt back down and she returned to her sitting position. The ceremony finally begins and we're all asked to stand for the National Anthem. Out of the corner of my eye I see my mom go to stand up, and then quickly sit back down. She starts giggling and starts to wriggle around a little bit. We all look at her like she's crazy and then my sister in law leans down to her and she whispers something to my sister, who starts cracking up laughing in a silent stadium. She whispers to my other sister in law who also starts giggling. At this point dirty looks are being shot back at us, and we're getting looks like we're the absolute worst people on Earth. I tap my sister in law on the shoulder and ask what's so funny and she leans back to me and whispers "When Keri pulled down her skirt, she pulled down her underwear too. They're around her thighs and she can't stand up!" At this point we all break out into a fit of giggles and have everyone in our section giving us looks that could kill. Even my dad who's on the other side of our group is giving us dirty looks, which just makes us laugh harder. My mom spent about half of the song trying to get her panties pulled back up without being super obvious about it, and we spent the entire time trying to silent laugh. My sister in law was literally doubled over gasping for air at one point. It was quite possibly the funniest thing I have ever witnessed in my life.

To the people at the graduation, I promise, we're not terrorists. My mother's ass was just feeling extremely patriotic.

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Ten Jobs I was BORN to do.

I have 24 days until I'm back in Iowa. Which means that my extended vacation is coming to an end and I'm going to have to start job hunting as soon as I get back. My aunt is going to be looking into getting me an interview at her hospital as a sitter. I guess I'd sit in rooms with patients, keep them company, and let the nurses know if they start to die or something. I don't quite understand the thing yet, but I'm getting more information as it comes along. But I got to thinking, the world is my oyster and all that motivational bullshit, I can do anything I want...That doesn't require a Bachelor's degree... or an Associates... or basically any type of college so honestly I'm actually really limited. But I'm pretty decent at photoshop, so I could totally get one of those in like five minutes. I've decided to explore some different employment opportunities. I think I'll rock these jobs.

Be Hugh Hefner

I could absolutely be surrounded by hot chicks all day and make tons of money off of their daddy issues. 


Fear not citizens of Gotham! There's a new Batman in town and she's got awesome boobs to distract the enemy with!

Headmaster of Hogwarts

I could rock being one of the most powerful wizards in the world. The series would have been much shorter if I was though, because I probably would have turned Harry into a toad for never following the rules.

Disney Princess

I'm not very good at singing, but I could rock the whole charming the pants off of Prince Charming thing. I've even already got the animal buddies, now I just need to teach them how to clean.

Pirate Captain

I'm not a strong swimmer and I get sea sick, but I could so plunder that booty. 

Drug Tester/Drug Dealer

"Oh, I see you tested positive for black tar heroin, ya know, I can beat your dealers prices."

Olympic Gold Medalist

In what event you ask? BEING SEXY.

The President of the United States

You get to lie, take vacations, and hang out with celebrities?! SIGN ME UP.

The Doctors Companion

I'm not very good at running but who cares? I'm awesome and The Doctor would LOVE me. 

Chris Hemsworth's Towel

I don't even need to explain this one do I?

Thursday, April 3, 2014

Nailed It.

This is why I just blog about narcissistic things like my life. I couldn't hack it in the DIY, foodies, or fashionista world.

Nailed it. 

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

I called it! My Walking Dead Season Finale Discussion

Well I promised you all I'd write about my thoughts on the subject and I just want to say I CALLED IT.

First we're going to talk about Rick going all Papa Bear mode. WELCOME BACK BAD ASS RICK. I'm not sure if you guys caught the fact that Carl was almost raped, because if you didn't know what you were looking for chances are you may have missed it. I know a few people did and went back and rewatched the scene when I pointed it out. Dude who pulled him out of the truck flipped him over on his back and you heard him unbuckle his pants. That was the point when Rick went nuts. His entire life right now is keeping Carl alive, so you bet he didn't take kindly to the thought of his son being raped in general, let alone in front of him while he was helpless. He took a page out of the walkers book and bit Joe's throat out. Mmm... tastes like chicken. (Which if you watch Talking Dead you know that it was chicken, and raw chicken at that. *gag*) This scene was by far one of my favorites in the entire show and definitely a turning point. At this moment you realize that Rick will literally do ANYTHING to keep his family safe, which is bad news for Terminus.

I'm sure the rape scene was uncomfortable for a lot of people, but I have to say I'm stoked they went there. After killing off Lizzy (Look at the flowers sweetheart.) a lot of people were disturbed. Killing walker kids they could handle, but straight up shooting a little girl? A lot of people were wondering how dark they were willing to take the show, and the attempted rape of Carl tells me that it's pretty fucking dark. And Rick's response to it was almost even darker. Which I'm thrilled about because along with being a show about zombies and surviving, it's really a show about human nature. What people will do when there's no right or wrong, nobody to answer to but themselves, and human nature isn't always pretty. I think it's important for people to realize this. You can't trust everyone, and in a postapocalyptic situation you really can't. I don't think the zombie apocalypse is really going to happen (anytime soon at least) but it's important to remember that in life and death situations, when it comes to keeping the people you care about safe you're capable of just about anything. Even if it's biting through some dude's neck.

I also want to take a minute and say that Daryl got so many more cool points with me than he already has. To volunteer to be taken instead of Rick, says a lot about how he views himself and how he sees Rick. It's obvious that he doesn't see himself as the good guy he is, even though him willing to sacrifice himself shows just how good he's become. He may have started the series off not giving a fuck aboout anyone and as a lone wolf, but he has a family that he'd be willing to die for now. I love that. A lot. What Rick said about Daryl being his brother is spot on.

Moving on, the fact that they hid those guns outside the gate is REALLY going to come in handy for them next season. One thing about the walking dead you have to remember is that every detail is important. Someone could forget to shut a door this episode, and it comes back and bites them (quite literally) three episodes down the road. I'm not sure how they're going to come into play, but they will. We're leaving the comic storyline a bit with the whole Terminus thing, but I'm excited to see what the writers come up with.

Terminus itself is obviously bad news and filled with cannibals. There are still people questioning this but I don't see how it's not obvious to them. Even if I hadn't read the comics I would have picked up on the fact that they ate people pretty quickly, and the hints they gave in the episode made it glaringly obvious to me for a few reasons.

1) They take in survivors, yet there are only a few people there. I LOVED how Rick realized they had his people's shit and went all beast mode activated on their ass. It took him half a second to recognize Hershel's watch and know that his people had been there, and weren't in sight so obviously something was wrong. I may have started yelling at the TV at this point, something along the lines of GET 'EM! GET 'EM!

2) While they were running away from the bullets, did you notice they were being herded? I saw a few comments of "wow they've got crappy aim." Uhm, no. With how many people were shooting at them do you really think they'd be alive if they didn't want them to be? And why would they want to keep them alive? How are going to keep a body fresh to eat if it's dead? It's not like they've got big meat lockers they can store the people in. If you noticed outside of the train car there was a package of food. Why would they be feeding them if they were just going to kill them? Gotta keep the meat on thier bones.

3) The most obvious hint.

That shit is straight butchered clean. Not a piece of meat on those bones. That's not the work of walkers, that's straight up human evil at play here. Ribs anyone?

I'd say like anyone else who watched the show my absolute favorite part was the ending. I loved that they all (minus Carol, Tyresse, Judith, and Beth) were reunited. That group is filled with some bad ass mother fuckers and as Rick so eloquently put,

I can't wait to see what they come up with now that they're all together again. It's going to be pretty bad ass I can tell you that.

I do have to say I was pretty happy my prediction about Glen and Maggie was wrong. At least for the season finale. It breaks my heart but I honestly think one of them is going down next season.

Things I'm looking forward to next season:

I can't wait to find out if Beth was really eaten, or who has her. I'm pretty sure that it was the Terminus people, but they're going to have to have the group find her or find a piece of her at least. I would say there's no way they'd just leave us always questioning "BUT WHAT HAPPENED TO BETH!?" But then again, it's possible. I'm pretty sure Scott Gimple and Steven Moffat are related someway, because they both enjoy giving you the feels for people and then ripping them away from you. Maybe they're satan's spawn? I digress.

I also look forward to hopefully Carol, Tyresse, and Judith getting back up with the group at some point. I'm torn on when I want this to be though. I think Carol and Tyresse would be extremely helpful in an escape/Terminus ass kicking, but I also feel like I need baby Judith to stay safe and she won't be if she's there. Now unlike others who want her safe because she's a baby, I'm more selfish on my reasoning. I want to see her grow up. I'm curious on what the psychological implications would be of growing up after the world went to shit. Is she going to be a psychopath like Lizzy? Is she going to think it's perfectly normal to kill people when you have a disagreement? Is she going to see the walkers as as much of a threat as the group does, or will they be more like wild animals to her, something that's always been there?

I'm pretty stoked for the introduction of Father Gabriel as well. I'm pretty sure he'll be showing up next season and I won't tell you anything about him, just that I hope he's going to be included in the storyline. I really want Isah Washington to play him.

I think one of the biggest things next season is going to be that the people are much more of a threat than the walkers are now. The walkers are predictable. They will try to kill you, you know how they'll try to kill you, and there's no question about it. But the people are different. People can manipulate, lie, steal, etc. they're fickle and can change loyalties pretty quickly. People are unpredictable, and in these situations that's more terrifying than the zombies.

Question Time:
I wanna know you're thoughts.

What do you think of the three new people in the group, are Eugene, Rosita, and Abraham to be trusted? Do you think that Tara will be able to get over her guilt now that she's reunited Glenn and Maggie? Is anyone else hoping that Sasha and Bob get it on? Do you think Rick and Carl will be able to fix their relationship? Do you think Beth was eaten? What are your predicitions? What's the biggest threat right now? Does anyone else want Daryl to either get a girlfriend of some sort or have a dog? I feel like he should have some compainionship of his own.