Thursday, October 31, 2013

Cray Town Population: Me

It's been a while since I talked about my mental health, and since I'm all about being open and honest on here I figured it was about time that I did so again. The last update I did I told y'all that I was working on getting back into therapy and back onto medication so I figured I'd let you in on what's been happening in bat shit crazy land. I also feel like this is a lot of text, so I'm going to break it up with a mini session of I Heart the interwebs. 

I have indeed gotten set up with my therapist. It's the same one I had for about a month last year before I quit, and she remembered me. She also yelled at me for quitting which I may have mentioned already, but I'm much too lazy to go looking through old blog posts to find out. I had my first session with her last week and it went well. 

We talked about the fact that I'm a quitter (my marriage and this blog are pretty much the two things I've stuck with the longest in my LIFE.) and she asked me to think about what I feel before I quit something. Regardless of if it's a job, a hobby, anything. I've been thinking on it a bit and it's hard to identify what you feel before you do something, when you haven't done it in a while. I haven't started anything new to quit lately, but I think I've narrowed it down to two reasons that I quit things. 

1. I don't like feeling like I have to do something. It's one of the reasons that I could probably never make it as a big blogger. I blog because I like to, not because I feel like I have to. I have never forced myself to sit down and make sure that I had five posts a week, or to make sure that I have certain things for certain days. If I don't feel like blogging one day, I don't. Simple as that. A lot of the jobs I've quit I think I've quit because I stopped enjoying it, and it felt like well... work... which makes me sound a bit bratty but oh well. Which leads me to number two. 

2. I don't like having to work at things. Growing up school was easy. So easy in fact that I skipped two grades. I'd get in trouble for not doing my work because it was too easy and I didn't care to put the effort in. When things got harder, I tried a bit more, but I only like putting in so much effort until it seems pointless to me. Which I know is absolutely ridiculous but I like mastering things quickly. If I have to try to hard my brain just decides that it's not worth it in the first place. I know that this is why it's taken me so long to lose weight. I'm 120% positive I could have lost more weight than I have this year if I would have just stuck to it and forced myself to work hard, but I don't. I quit when things get hard. I quit piano lessons when I was younger pretty much after I learned how to play Yankee Doodle. You mean you're going to make me learn how to read the music? I can't just memorize the keys I have to hit? Fuck that, too much effort.

So we're working on that at the moment. Another thing we talked about was my marriage. My counselor is also going to be our marriage counselor which should be interesting. I really won't be able to get away with not being completely honest in marriage counseling about my feelings, because she'll know them all from my one on one! I know some people wouldn't be comfortable with that, but I'm okay with it. 

One of the biggest issues that we have in our marriage is communication. We suck at telling each other the little things that bother us until we have the huge breakdown like these and get everything off our chest. The problem is, I don't want it to get that bad before we talk things through. It shouldn't get to that point before we talk things through. So we'll be working on that as well. She asked me to come up with one thing, one thought, that if I could just open Husband up and insert it into him, that he would 100% understand/believe/whatever what would it be? This one is tricky and I haven't really decided yet, but writing it out helps. I think that if I could choose one thing it would be for him to understand my low self esteem and how he contributes to it without meaning to. I mean, when you're almost 300 pounds and you see your husband constantly gaming with the characters that are 100% customizable, that he makes these skinny mini's with giant tits, giant asses, running around in next to nothing, it's kind of hard to feel good about yourself. When you get turned down for sex while he's playing these video games, it's even harder. When you're not having a lot of sex, but you know he's looking at porn, it hurts. I wish I could make him understand that. I wish he could see that when I get clingy or he feels like I'm needing too much attention, it's because I feel like I can't compete with a computer, and that hurts. 

I can't really remember what else we talked about in the session, but I did get to play with play-doh during it. I kept accidentally flinging it across the room, and my hands smelled like salt for the rest of the day which was extremely annoying. No matter how many times I washed my hands I could still smell it.

 On the crazy pill front I had my appointment with the pill doctor and I was extremely nervous. After my experience with the last doctor I had I wasn't looking forward to having to convince the new one of my diagnosis. Too my surprise though, this one listened to me. I went in and explained my symptoms and what I was looking for and his response was "Yeah. That sounds like Bi-Polar to me." We then went over a list of medications that I've been on in the past that I KNOW don't work for me, and the very short list of ones that I've been on that had been alright for me. He chose to put me back on Abilify, which I was on for a few months back at Fort Sill and seemed to work okay. I let him know that I would not be taking my first dose until the husband gets back from the field because I've had so many adverse side effects in the past from pills, and he agreed that it seemed like a good idea. So I won't be starting those pills for another week. I have however been taking my once weekly Vitamin D pill and I have noticed that I've been in a better mood for the most part. Once I complete my 12 week cycle on these I'll be swapping to a daily supplement to make sure my levels stay up. It's nearly impossible to get Vitamin D when the sun only stays up a few hours a day, and it's getting less and less the more that winter approaches. 

So, there's the update on my crazy, we start marriage counseling on the 8th of November and I'm both excited and nervous about it. I really think that it's going to help, and I look forward to seeing where our relationship can go with a little outside help. So that's it... I'm not really sure how to end this post so I'll do it with this picture.




Monday, October 21, 2013

Might as well eat some worms...

Confession: I am jealous of my sister in laws. They get to spend a lot of time with my mom, and I haven't seen her in almost three years. It makes my heart sad. Anyways, they've posted a few pictures together that I decided to improve. 

Much better. 




Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Lies Men Tell

Continuing on from yesterday's post Lies Women Tell we have Lies Men Tell. And hurr we go.

 I'm like 8 inches

Have you ever seen a ruler? Cause that is not eight inches. I had some dude tell me this once and then when we went to have sex (I took his virginity) he was seriously like two inches hard. I was like holy lie batman! That's a six inch difference, I'm kinda gonna notice that.

"Does this dress make me look fat?" "No."

It's an automatic response ladies. You may or may not look awful in said dress, but they're not going to tell you. Case in point, my wedding day.

Why did he not tell me that looked awful on me? He loves me, and he lied. 

I was not looking at her.

Yes. He was. He's a man. He's hardwired too look. But that's okay as long as he's not touching. Try not to get your panties too much in a bunch, you know that you've noticed good looking men as well. 

I don't like porn

See above. 

  Tell me more about... 

Unless it's a hobbie you have together chances are when you're rambling on and on about your blog, what Jennie wore to work, or who Stacey slept with last night they really, really don't care. 




Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Lies Women Tell

Today we're going to discuss five lies that almost every woman has told in her lifetime. I'm willing to bet that you've told at least one of these too. 

It was on sale.

Now don't get me wrong, sometimes it really was on sale and it's encoded in the female DNA to never pass off paying less for something we didn't know we needed until we saw that it was on sale... but mostly we wanted it and know that you probably won't go checking receipts and shit. But I'm a nice wife so some of the things I get "on sale" are for him too!

But it was on saaaaale. 

I'm not even that drunk.

I don't know if this is just a white girl thing or if it spans across the races/world but we women hate to admit we're drunk. I will spend thirty minutes sending a ten word text to make sure everything is 100% correct. Funny story: Drinking at home with the old roommate a few years ago, and it's her first time ever getting drunk. We live in a two story house, and the stairs are old and shaped weird. Baby daddy decides to drop the little dude off instead of keeping him so she tells us she's going to put him to bed. I see she's pretty drunk and tell her that I'll do it. 

Her: "I'm not that drunk. I can take care of my own baby!"
*storms out of room*
Her: I'M OKAY!

Oh memories. 

I hate drama 

Don't lie. You hate drama that affects you. But if you can watch shit go down that has absolutely nothing to do with your life, you're gonna do it. Half the people I keep on Facebook are only there because they make me feel better about my life. True story. 

Nothing's wrong aka I'm fine.

We've all said it. There's not really any explanation needed but I'll throw any men who may happen to stumble over here a bone and say that this one is tricky. Press for more information and you're own risk but for me when I say this I just want to be left alone with my thoughts. 

However sometimes when something is really obviously wrong and I know that the husband knows how he upset me, I'm fine really means you need to address the situation. Women are confusing. It comes with owning a vagina. Sorry. 

I came/That was great!

This is pretty self explanatory.

So is this!

Which lies have you told?




Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Driving 101: How Not to be a Douchebag.

Wow. Revolt is going to kick my ass something fierce. I haven't been able to pick up weights or a battery for the scale yet, but I started yesterday and I'm so sore. I was only able to complete two out of three of the circuts before my lungs gave out. I need to find my inhaler for today's exercise. It's going to suck at first but I got this. I'm more determined than I've ever been. 


Hello class, welcome to Driving 101, today we're studying how not to be a complete douchebag on the road by discussing three things that happened on my 10 minute drive. 

Lesson 1: Right on Red

Situation: You are at a red light and need to make a right turn. I have a green light and am going the speed limit of 45 mph in the lane you want to turn into.

Do: Take notice that I am coming and realize that I am going much faster than you and could potentially hit you. Wait until I and any other vehicles pass and then you may turn right on red. 

Don't: Ignore the fact that your light is red and continue pulling out in front of me. This causes me to slam on my breaks, which is bad for them. If I hit you it hurts my car, and that's coming out of your pocket. It could also potentially hurt you, and wouldn't you feel silly then?

Lesson Two: Merging

Situation: You're driving down College road towards Illinois street. It has been under construction for over a year now, and within the last few weeks has narrowed down to one lane in places. There are big giant signs with arrows telling you to start getting over into the other lane. There are also big orange cones making these lanes. You're driving in the incorrect lane when you notice these signs.

Do: Start merging then. 

Don't: Drive to the end and mean mug me as I drive by. You saw the signs, there's no way in hell I'm letting you cut me off. 

Lesson Three: Left Turn Lane

Situation: You are in a left turn lane and the light is yellow, there are cars coming in the opposite direction. You are behind the line when the light turns red as the last car goes through.

Do: Stay placed. Wait through the next stoplight and continue on your way.

Don't: Ignore your red light and decide to turn anyways. This causes those with a green light to have to wait on you and makes you look like a dick. Also, definitely don't try to pass someone in the left lane by driving into the oncoming traffic lane and forcing yourself in front of them. I'm looking at you red truck man, you're a tool.

Class is dismissed.