Thursday, October 31, 2013

Cray Town Population: Me

It's been a while since I talked about my mental health, and since I'm all about being open and honest on here I figured it was about time that I did so again. The last update I did I told y'all that I was working on getting back into therapy and back onto medication so I figured I'd let you in on what's been happening in bat shit crazy land. I also feel like this is a lot of text, so I'm going to break it up with a mini session of I Heart the interwebs. 

I have indeed gotten set up with my therapist. It's the same one I had for about a month last year before I quit, and she remembered me. She also yelled at me for quitting which I may have mentioned already, but I'm much too lazy to go looking through old blog posts to find out. I had my first session with her last week and it went well. 

We talked about the fact that I'm a quitter (my marriage and this blog are pretty much the two things I've stuck with the longest in my LIFE.) and she asked me to think about what I feel before I quit something. Regardless of if it's a job, a hobby, anything. I've been thinking on it a bit and it's hard to identify what you feel before you do something, when you haven't done it in a while. I haven't started anything new to quit lately, but I think I've narrowed it down to two reasons that I quit things. 

1. I don't like feeling like I have to do something. It's one of the reasons that I could probably never make it as a big blogger. I blog because I like to, not because I feel like I have to. I have never forced myself to sit down and make sure that I had five posts a week, or to make sure that I have certain things for certain days. If I don't feel like blogging one day, I don't. Simple as that. A lot of the jobs I've quit I think I've quit because I stopped enjoying it, and it felt like well... work... which makes me sound a bit bratty but oh well. Which leads me to number two. 

2. I don't like having to work at things. Growing up school was easy. So easy in fact that I skipped two grades. I'd get in trouble for not doing my work because it was too easy and I didn't care to put the effort in. When things got harder, I tried a bit more, but I only like putting in so much effort until it seems pointless to me. Which I know is absolutely ridiculous but I like mastering things quickly. If I have to try to hard my brain just decides that it's not worth it in the first place. I know that this is why it's taken me so long to lose weight. I'm 120% positive I could have lost more weight than I have this year if I would have just stuck to it and forced myself to work hard, but I don't. I quit when things get hard. I quit piano lessons when I was younger pretty much after I learned how to play Yankee Doodle. You mean you're going to make me learn how to read the music? I can't just memorize the keys I have to hit? Fuck that, too much effort.

So we're working on that at the moment. Another thing we talked about was my marriage. My counselor is also going to be our marriage counselor which should be interesting. I really won't be able to get away with not being completely honest in marriage counseling about my feelings, because she'll know them all from my one on one! I know some people wouldn't be comfortable with that, but I'm okay with it. 

One of the biggest issues that we have in our marriage is communication. We suck at telling each other the little things that bother us until we have the huge breakdown like these and get everything off our chest. The problem is, I don't want it to get that bad before we talk things through. It shouldn't get to that point before we talk things through. So we'll be working on that as well. She asked me to come up with one thing, one thought, that if I could just open Husband up and insert it into him, that he would 100% understand/believe/whatever what would it be? This one is tricky and I haven't really decided yet, but writing it out helps. I think that if I could choose one thing it would be for him to understand my low self esteem and how he contributes to it without meaning to. I mean, when you're almost 300 pounds and you see your husband constantly gaming with the characters that are 100% customizable, that he makes these skinny mini's with giant tits, giant asses, running around in next to nothing, it's kind of hard to feel good about yourself. When you get turned down for sex while he's playing these video games, it's even harder. When you're not having a lot of sex, but you know he's looking at porn, it hurts. I wish I could make him understand that. I wish he could see that when I get clingy or he feels like I'm needing too much attention, it's because I feel like I can't compete with a computer, and that hurts. 

I can't really remember what else we talked about in the session, but I did get to play with play-doh during it. I kept accidentally flinging it across the room, and my hands smelled like salt for the rest of the day which was extremely annoying. No matter how many times I washed my hands I could still smell it.

 On the crazy pill front I had my appointment with the pill doctor and I was extremely nervous. After my experience with the last doctor I had I wasn't looking forward to having to convince the new one of my diagnosis. Too my surprise though, this one listened to me. I went in and explained my symptoms and what I was looking for and his response was "Yeah. That sounds like Bi-Polar to me." We then went over a list of medications that I've been on in the past that I KNOW don't work for me, and the very short list of ones that I've been on that had been alright for me. He chose to put me back on Abilify, which I was on for a few months back at Fort Sill and seemed to work okay. I let him know that I would not be taking my first dose until the husband gets back from the field because I've had so many adverse side effects in the past from pills, and he agreed that it seemed like a good idea. So I won't be starting those pills for another week. I have however been taking my once weekly Vitamin D pill and I have noticed that I've been in a better mood for the most part. Once I complete my 12 week cycle on these I'll be swapping to a daily supplement to make sure my levels stay up. It's nearly impossible to get Vitamin D when the sun only stays up a few hours a day, and it's getting less and less the more that winter approaches. 

So, there's the update on my crazy, we start marriage counseling on the 8th of November and I'm both excited and nervous about it. I really think that it's going to help, and I look forward to seeing where our relationship can go with a little outside help. So that's it... I'm not really sure how to end this post so I'll do it with this picture.




1 comment:

  1. Good luck!! And thanks for being so open about your life, you are a badass for that!


Stroke my ego baby!