Tuesday, November 19, 2013

If you only had one shot, one opportunity...

 Husband: I think I may have a man crush on him. I'm allowed to have three right?
Me: Uhm... I didn't really put a limit on man crushes... It's three free passes to use on celebrities of your choosing... but I mean... It you wanna choose him....
Husband: Shut up you.
*On the Governor from The Walking Dead 


This conversation spawned a brilliant post idea! Yay! I don't know about you, but I have a short list of people that I would happily cheat on my husband with. Not only would I have sex with these people, I would brag about it. Straight up come home be like "DO YOU KNOW WHO'S PENIS WAS JUST INSIDE OF ME?!" type brag about it. Now mind you, these people are completely unattainable actors that I have no chance in hell of meeting let alone getting them naked willingly. But Husband knows of this list obviously, and he has one too. I have decided to share my list with you. 




Chris Hemsworth
AKA 
Thor


Seriously this dude can not get any more delicious. Those eyes, that hair, the stubble. Everything in that package is beautiful and needs to be wrapped and under my tree. Santa I've been good please let me be naughty!




As if his pure masculinity wasn't enough *BOOM * There went my ovaries, they've gone and exploded. Thor with a baby?! Could it get any cuter than that?

 
And up next we've got 





Normal Reedus
AKA
Daryl Dixon


This dude is just a bad ass in every thing. Even the interviews he gives, he's that stereotypical bad boy that makes panties around the world fly off with the quickness. Husband approves this one. 




I also have a weird thing for skinny white boys. The only thing that would improve this man is a few more tattoos and if he were a ginger *SWOON* Did this happen to anyone else?





And last but not least on my list, and this is subject to change: 





Jamie Dornan
AKA 
Christian Grey


I don't have much to say on him because I've only really seen him in the few episodes of Once Upon a Time he did, but yummy. I'd be okay with seeing more of him. 



I'll take two. 
 

Well that's that. I'll be back later in the week to tell you which chicks I'd bang. *Hint* It's not Kristen Stewart.

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Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Bat Shit Cray Update

YAY! SNOW DAY. Words can not explain how happy I was to roll over, pick up my phone, and see two text messages telling me to stay home, work was canceled, and I'd still be getting paid. Hells yes. On top of the fact that I only worked 2.5 hours on Veterans Day and I was given 6 hours of holiday pay just for being employed with my company on said holiday? No complaints here! I'm basically getting 13 hours of pay, for doing NOTHING. MAUAHHAHAHA.


 

Anyways, I've been promising a write up about our first therapy session and I suppose I should get around to that before I forget everything that was said. First of all, I was supposed to have an individual counseling session right before our marriage one, but when she saw we were both there (they were literally back to back) she changed her mind and decided to just pull us both back together. Once in the room she told me that they were trying to cut back on individual counseling sessions that the in house therapists conducted because there are so many crazy people and not enough staff. She asked me if I'd be okay doing Therapy over Skype with someone in Hawaii. I'm not really thrilled about this idea, but I understand that marriage and children's counseling needs to be done in person, so I'm okay with at least trying talking to a computer and seeing how it works. I got my appointments set up for that and I'll let ya'll know how that goes once it happens. 


In marriage counseling news though, it went great. Seriously great. Husband and I are pretty open with each other about negative feelings once we hit the blow up stage so nothing that was said was really a surprise to either of us. I wish I had something concrete to really talk about, but it was the first session and we didn't really get into anything too heavy. Our therapist did however put his gaming into a bit more perspective for me. It's no secret that Husband hates the Army. It may not be the entire branch, but this post is the death of careers. People arrive high speed soldiers sure that they want to be in for a career and within a year are shit bags counting down the days until their contract is up. Husband tends to get shit on, a lot. A lot a lot. He's miserable at work and is constantly assigned the stupid mind numbing tasks because he's only required to do his job when the radar breaks. The rest of the time he's on bitch duty. He said that he doesn't feel validated, and that he feels worthless at work because he's doing something you could train a monkey to do. When he comes home and games, he has a whole world that looks up to him. He spends more time helping other people level up than he does working on his own character. He gets thanked, people care about him, if he's offline for a few days when he signs back in people were worried, they want to know he's okay. He feels important when he's playing these games because the people he plays with make him feel important. It both amazes me that he can get that kind of validation from a video game character wielding an imaginary sword, and breaks my heart that I can't give him that. I wish that I could make him feel validated, that I could make him feel important, because he is. He's an amazing man and the most important person in my life, and it kills me that I can't make him feel that way. Although I still hate his computer and couldn't ask for a better gift than a baseball bat and permission to break that thing into a tiny million pieces, I understand a lot better now why he feels the need to game. We're working on trying to find a happy medium of him still being able to blow off steam, and me not feeling like a glorified maid that sometimes gets paid in sex. It's a work in progress but over the past few months he has gotten a lot better at balancing his time. He's not getting up super early to play anymore, and he really only completely disappears on weekends that he has friends over, and even then he's getting better at at least coming upstairs and spending an hour or two with me before returning to the man cave. It's hard, but we're getting there. 


Another thing that we talked about that really blew my mind, and I actually remember thinking "That's going to be such a great thing to blog about!" (cause I'm a freaking loser like that) came from a discussion about money. We're both pretty crappy with it, but we've come a long way from overdrafting the account $400 the first time he got paid. Yeah, it was bad. He said that he feels a million times better and that a lot of stress was lifted off of his shoulders by me getting a job and bringing in money as well. She asked him how he felt when I wasn't working and he said there was a small part of him that resented me for getting to stay home when he had to go put up with all of the bullshit everyday, but that's not how he really feels. That overall he just wants me to be happy and he'd do whatever it took to make sure that I was. She clung to that small part of him and explained an amazing analogy that kind of just shocked me into amazement because I had never looked at it like that. Those little voices, the nagging "well this is stupid, don't do that, they suck, etc. etc. etc." You have to listen to those voices, you don't have to do what they say, but you have to acknowledge that they're there, because those voices are the cause of self sabotage. She said to pretend you have a big conference table inside of you, and all of your emotions are sitting around it. If you don't listen to what each and every one of them has to say, and give them a chance to tell their side of the story, they're just going to get louder and louder trying to be heard, and eventually if you don't listen to that little negative dude and give him the floor, he's going to sneak away from the table, come in through the back door, and burn the whole fucking building down. Teach you not to listen to him! For some reason this really resignated with me. We all spend so much time trying to shut out those negative voices in our head, but is it really doing good or is it causing more damage? I know if I try to avoid that voice long enough I eventually become overwhelmed with a case of Idon'tgiveafuckitis and my life tends to go down hill pretty quickly. But what happens if you listen to that voice? Let him vent his frustrations, tell you WHY he feels the way he does? Don't give him the gavel and let him lead the rest of your emotions, but acknowledge it, face why you're feeling what you're feeling head on. I tend to hide from my problems instead of dealing with them, so I loved this analogy and will be holding conference calls a lot more when I start to feel like things are slipping away from me.


The last thing that we talked about was the fact that we seriously have the same four-six issues that annoys the crap out of us about the other person. We both know what the other person doesn't like, we know that it hurts them, that they're the causes of all of our fights, and we change them for a bit... but then fall back into the same things all over again. We were given the homework assignment of just noticing when we're doing something we know the other person wouldn't like. Not changing it, not saying "Oh I'm sorry, I know you hate this." Just noticing. How often do I leave the dishes until morning.... for a week? How often does "I just need to finish this dungeon" turn into it's been three hours dude, the movie is already over? 


I do have to say though, once we left our session we talked about it a little bit, not a whole lot just expanding on points that were made. I told him that I could understand his gaming a little bit better and he could understand why I feel like crap that he can't get that validation from me. He was so loving for a few days after the session it was almost nauseating, and I loved every second of it. I was told he loved me at least 500 times in four day in at least half as many ways. He gave me a million kisses, and told me I was beautiful multiple times. He's not an outwardly affectionate person most of the time so this melted my heart. He pretty much only tells me he thinks I'm pretty if he knows I'm having a "I'm fat and disgusting and I hate myself" kind of day, so to hear that when I was actually feeling decent about myself felt awesome. On the off chance that I have any male readers, seriously, tell her she's pretty. Even if she looks like shit and has eye boogers, it means the world coming for you. 


So there's the super long drawn out bat shit crazy marriage post. We're going to be seeing her twice a month, and I'll be seeing my individual counselor twice a month, which makes me love the fact that my job has such flexible schedules because that's a lot of missed work for a normal 9-5.I've realized that I really suck at ending blog posts, I never know how to finish them. I feel like with something so serious I need a profound quote or something that sums everything up, but you know me, that's not going to happen. So instead I leave you with this:

Vagina.

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Twenty things you really didn't need to know, but I'm going to tell you anyways.

I know I promised a write up about the counseling session, and I promise it'll come at some point before our next one, but I've got to be in the right state of mind to get that open and vulnerable and crap on here, and I'm clearly not there at the moment so tough cookies, looks like you'll just have to come back. Mauhahaha. 

Anyways, I'm sure you've all noticed the facebook game going around with the like my status for a number and then write that many random facts about yourself. I liked two, and got eight and twelve, and we all know that I enjoy writing lists, so I decided to combine them for TWENTY facts, and to go ahead and share them here too cause ya know, insta-blog post. BAM. I'm pretty sure some of these have been shared on here already, but I'm surely not going to go through all of my posts to find out, and if you do... well then I'm sorry to say but you need a life... I won't judge you much though. So anywho, my list.

1. I rarely need to brush my hair. It just doesn't knot up often, I once lost my brush for a week before I realized it was missing.

2. When I was in 7th grade I dropped my clarinet during a recital and broke the mouth piece, my teacher gave me the keys to the classroom and told me to run and grab a new mouth piece. She used to charge $1.00 per reed, and when I was alone in the classroom I stole six of them.

3. I do not like green otter pops. I "save" them for Husband. They're typically the only ones he gets if he's not fast enough. 

 
4. I did so bad in my wood shop class in 8th grade that my shop teacher offered me an A in his class if I promised to not sign up for any of the classes he taught in high school. I took the deal.

5. I was on the front page of the newspaper in first grade. I'm pretty sure that it was right after I cut my own hair.

6. My mom once took me to Mexico to get my hair cut because it was closer than driving to San Diego.

7. I think underwear are really uncomfortable, unless you're not wearing pants. So I only ever wear them if I don't have pants on. Yeah, I go commando. Unpicture that.

8. I can not whistle. A small noise comes out, but I can't control it. It's bad, Husband makes fun of me a lot.


9. My mom once let me, and a few friends take her car out for two hours. We spent approximately 1 hour and forty five minutes getting it unstuck from the soft sand we decided to try to drive through.

10. A friend once let me drive mom's car and I crashed it into a reflector on the side of the road. We got back to my exe's and realized that I knocked off the license plate, so we had to go back in the dark and find it.

11. I went through a phase where I didn't eat anything but waffles and dinosaur chicken nuggets for a week. Thanks Melissa.

12. I was once woken up to Melissa's dad calling me yelling at me to move my car, that it was blocking one of the four streets in town. When I went outside it had snowed so much that my car slid down our driveway and parked itself in the street.

13. I went through a whore-y stage. I once slept with a guy because he hit a deer on the way to come see me and I felt bad.


14. My cousin once had a bowling party, and I threw the ball behind me and it hit a kid. Oops.

15. I go OCD over ONE hair that grows on Husband's chest. It grows in longer, thicker, and darker than the other ones, and I'm convinced it does it to spite me.

16. I once pulled a wad of cash, a pack of cigarettes, my phone, and six lighters out of my bra.

17. I haven't cut length off of my hair in almost a year, even though I've wanted too, because Melissa said I would only make it until March. IT'S NOVEMBER BITCH.

18. I could eat my weight in Chipotle, and then eat yours too. 


19. I decide to rearrange my house a lot, and then half way through decide it was a bad idea, then finish and hate it. But it takes so much work that I leave it until it grows on me, and then once I like it I move everything again.

20. I got sent to the office for holding my pencil wrong in elementary school.


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Tuesday, November 5, 2013

I am not a Barbie, don't put me in a box.

Husband and I are looking for ways to spice of life in the bedroom a bit, so I decided to get myself a sexy new outfit. With my recent weight loss I wanted something that would really boost my confidence, so I ran to my best friend the internet and asked her (Yes the internet is a girl, how else would she have the answers for everything?) for suggestions on sites that sell plus size lingerie. I found a site with outfits I loved and passed the computer over to Husband to pick one he liked. He chose this sexy little number. 


Hot right? I quickly ordered it and started the grueling process of stalking my mail ninja. I checked the tracking every day waiting for a hint that it would be here. After a week of it not moving from Washington I realized that good ol' Alaskan winter mail time was kicking in and they weren't going to update it. I waited and waited like a kid waiting for Santa, checking my mailbox every day. The day it was supposed to come in came and went and I knew it was going to show up on our post offices time. Sometimes packages sit in the post office for a week before they get around to delivering them. Then on Sunday morning as I was leaving for work I noticed a package by my front door. I jumped out of my car with the speed of a Kenyan and ripped that shit open. I was SO excited to finally get it, but of course Iwas on my way to work so I didn't really have time to play dress up. 

When I FINALLY got home from work I stripped down to slut it up. The skirt absolutely did not fit around my hips, but if I hiked it up a bit it around my waist instead it fit just fine. I figure the outfit's only being used for sexy time anyways, so if my ass is completely hanging out of the back of it then hey, that's even better right? I then tried on the top and the body of it fir perfectly. It gave me that hour glass figure and was slimming in all of the right places, but you know what didn't fit? 



Yeah. I edited out the nipple for you. You're welcome, or I'm sorry. Depends on the type of pervy you are which applies to you. I could seriously put another full tit in there. I'm a double D as is, so that's pretty ridiculous. Just because I'm fat does not mean that I am carrying watermelons around on my chest. My body type is not the same as every other womans. I wish clothing companies would stop trying to put us all in neat little boxes, we won't fit. 

Not fitting properly into the top caused me to have a bit of a meltdown. All of the work I've put in the past year was suddenly insignificant. This little piece of fabric completely shot my confidence level to hell. I sat in the living room and cried for an hour, I was so disgusted with myself. I texted the husband and unloaded all of my self hatred on to him, and being the amazingly supportive man he is he made me feel a lot better. 



Isn't he sweet?! Once I recieved that pick me up I shook off those negative feelings and decided I was not going to let the corset win. I cut out the underwire, managed to tie the back up just right, and although it's still a little less tight around the boobage than I'd like it looks a million times better. I've worked my ass off (quite literally!) for my weight loss so far, and I'll be DAMNED if I'm going to let an article of clothing take that away from me. I'm going to wear that outfit and the fuck me heels I bought, and I'm gonna get it girl. 


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