Saturday, June 29, 2013

Husbands are hilarious.

All you need in the world is love and laughter. 
That's all anybody needs. 
To have love in one hand, and laughter in the other. 
- August Wilson

One of the many, many reasons that I fell in love with my husband was his sense of humor. From the minute that I met him he had me laughing. So today I thought I'd share some funny things he's said and done over the three and a half years we've been together. 

That time he yelled from the bathroom to reset the router. I couldn't understand why he'd need wifi when he was taking a bath, and this is what I found. 

Husband: I'm going to pour soy sauce on you. 
Me: There are a lot of things I'd let you pour on me, can't say soy sauce will ever be one of them. 

Husband: Well there goes my fried rice fantasy. 

That time he tried to convince me that Batman was better than Superman by posing in his new Batman whitey tighties. He then proceeded to run around his fathers house in them singing the theme song with his arms out in front of him like he was flying. 

Husband: You should make those pancakes for breakfast tomorrow. Ill even do the dishes if you want since I see you hate doing them. You banish them to the sink and let them drown for a day.

That time that he found a vegetable that looked like a penis, and proceeded to let everyone in the produce department know that it looked like such. 

Me: I just decided this now, but our first child, their first Halloween, they're going as an Angry Bird. If someone pisses us off we can just throw the baby at them. 
Husband: That's terrible! What if a pedophile catches it and is like oh thanks and runs off with our baby?
Me: ... Free Child Care?
Husband: I am not giving you my seed.

That time he tried to seduce me via Skype.

*Talking in his sleep*
Husband: That was my bum.
Me: Yes it was. 
Husband: And that is your bum. *points to wall* And THAT is your bum *points to my butt* but if you have a bum over there and a bum over here then you have two bums. It's a pair of bums. A bumodox if you will. A paradox. OoOoO. I'm going back to sleep now. *passes out*

And that time he fell asleep with his Rainbow Bunny. 

What's something your S/O has done or said that made you laugh?

Friday, June 28, 2013

My name is Becca, and I'm a Candy Crushaholic.

Okay you guys, I want to talk to you about a very serious addiction that I have. You see, months ago I discovered this game:

My life has not been the same since then. I'm sure you all know how addicting it is and if you don't, I beg you do not download it. I have lost DAYS if not WEEKS to this game. It got a million times worse when I discovered the iPhone cheat for unlimited lives. (Check out Alex's tutorial on this here.) I miss the days when I had to wait two and a half hours for five lives. But now, I can play for hours. It's pathetic. I have a problem. I know this. It's okay. But you see, on top of the time that I've lost to it, I've also spent money to pass a level that I was stuck on for FOUR MONTHS. I played every day for four months and still couldn't pass the stupid thing, so I paid for MULTIPLE moves until I finally passed it. And you know what happened next? I had ONE level left and then had to wait for people to send me tickets. Seriously. What. The. Hell. 

Not only have I lost time and money, put I play it so often on my phone that I'm 98% sure that I've developed carpal tunnel syndrome. It's THAT bad. I finally caved yesterday and bought a wrist brace to help stabilize it and with the pain. 

And now, I'm stuck on level 147 and have been for the past month. This STUPID level continues to kill me in one of two ways: 1) I get screwed over by one of the bombs exploding or 2) I get to THREE WRAPPERS LEFT AND RUN OUT OF MOVES. I can not explain how frustrated it makes me. I'm going to end up needing anger management classes because of this thing. I've come so close to throwing my phone against the wall multiple times, and I'm not a violent person. I just can't help it when it comes to this time sucker. I play multiple times a day and every night when I'm going to bed. I literally fall asleep playing this game. It's a problem. Do they have meetings? I should go to meetings. That's what addicts do right?

Now please excuse me while I go try to beat the level for the billionth time.

Basically just this. 

Sunday, June 16, 2013

My Seven Weight Loss Goals

I've decided that I focus too much on the number of my weight. I don't really have a goal weight, but I've been weighing myself on a daily basis getting upset if the scale reads higher than lower. I know that it's pointless. I know that your weight can fluctuate depending on the time of day, time of month, what you've eaten, if you've pissed lately, etc daily. I also know that with my mother's unhealthy relationship with her weight that I don't want to fall into the same patterns that she worked so hard to break. So here's what I've decided. I will weigh myself once a week. That's it. No more than that. I will weigh myself when I wake up, on that one day of the week, and chart if I've lost any weight or not. I will post pictures once a month with a total of how much I've lost at total and that month. This will happen every four weeks, and only on the days that I'm allowed to weigh myself. I've also decided that since I don't really have a goal weight, instead I'm going to go for my goal body. 

I've never wanted to be stick thin. I've always known that I've done way too much damage to my body to ever look like a Victoria's Secret model. It's just not going to happen. Ever. I don't mind being a thick girl. I just don't want to be fat anymore. Right now my body is nowhere near where I want it to be. So here is a list of things I'd like for my "ideal" body. Ready for it?

1) I'd like to be able to see my fucking belly button. - Yes, I am that fat. I could probably lose an entire finger in my belly button before I hit the bottom of it. My fat rolls over itself at this point and I can't see it. I know I'll probably never have a flat tummy. I don't particularly care to have to six pack, but I would love to be able to look at my stomach and be like "Oh look. There's my belly button." I would like for my stomach to not hang over itself anymore. Like I said, not necessarily flat, but not a damn kangaroo pouch carrying a beer keg either. 

2) No double chin. I don't know where it came from (Ice cream... chips... err... okay maybe I do know where it came from) but I want it gone. I'm tired of seeing pictures of myself and cringing because of my chins. 

Not traditionally skinny, but I think these girls have the perfect bodies!

3) No back rolls. It absolutely kills me that my back has rolls too. I am not a bakery. I don't care to be perfectly skinny, but I'd like to not have the three separate sets of rolls on my back either. I just want my back to look like a back. Especially because I've got tattoos there that I'd love to be able to take a picture of without cropping out a fat roll. 

4) No more jiggly arms. My arms jiggle like a wattle on a turkey. I could hit it and it will go on having it's own little dance party. I ain't down with that. I want them to be toned. I'd like to wear a tank top without feeling self conscious. I mean, don't get me wrong, I wear them anyways, but I'd like to feel good while doing so. 

5) I'd like my thighs to thin out to the point of not chaffing every time I spend a day walking. Seriously. That shit is painful. I would love to get them toned enough to get a garter tattoo. I don't care about having a thigh gap, I just care about them not chaffing anymore. I think thick thighs are sexy as shit on a woman, and I want to be sexy damn it. 

6) I want an ass. Seriously. I am like the only fat chick in the world who has a flat ass. THANKS DAD. SUPER APPRECIATED. I don't care what I have to do, I'd like some form of a booty. Doesn't have to be a bubble one, doesn't have to be huge, just something other than "damn... you have a board where your butt is supposed to be."

7) I really don't want to lose my boobs. I like my boobs. Maybe lose like, a cup size, but I'll do whatever I need to to keep them, even if that means that I'm paying for them. My husband is a tits man, and I'll be damned if I take those away from him. 

Basically I would love to be able to walk into any store that doesn't cater to size zero's specifically and know that I can find something in my size. I would be perfectly happy in a size 10/12. I want to feel good about myself, I want to feel sexy, I want to feel beautiful, I want this. I'm going to work for it. I'm going to succeed.