Wednesday, November 25, 2015

If You Wanna Be My Lover, You Better Stay The Hell Away From My Friends.

With everything going on and changing in my life I have made the decision to actively avoid a relationship for a year. My goal is to stay single and focus on work and working out. My life will be about getting out of debt, getting into shape, and building a loving relationship with myself. The last two men I've been interested in (near miss man and the husband) have had a huge share of issues that they need to work out on their own. Both of them have also shown me how I do and don't want to be treated in a relationship, and things that are and aren't worth fighting for. Because of this I've come up with a small list that whoever I date next must meet to be able to move forward in the whole dating thing. They're all pretty serious to me which means I'll be single for the rest of my days. Ready? These are in no particular order.

1) Must be okay with the fact that at some point in my life I fully intend on having a pet pig.
2) Must have hobbies other than video games.
3) Must not have addiction issues.
4) Must be willing to build a blanket fort with me to hide in after a really bad day.
5) Must not be crazy. I'm crazy enough for this relationship thank you
6) Must love themselves. I have enough saving myself to do, I don't need to be responsible for saving someone else too.
7) Must not come with baby momma drama. I'm fine with having kids, but if they can't have a working joint parenting relationship I don't need to get involved.
8) Must be okay with the fact that I sometimes feel the need to sing Disney songs on the top of my lungs and bonus points if they join in.
9) Must be capable of cleaning up after themselves.
10) MUST want a partner, not a parent.
11) Must want an active sex life with just me.
12) Must be okay with me dragging them to every new Disney/Pixar movie to come out.
13) Must want children at some point.
14) Must make me smile.
15) Must treat me as well as I treat them.
16) Must want to spend time with me, as well as time on their own with their friends.
17) Must be responsible with their money.
18) Must be a fully functioning adult.
19) Must build me up instead of tear me down.
20) Must get my mom and best friends approvals.

There's a lot more of them, but these are my official musts. Bonus would be ginger, tall, and tattoo'd but I'm willing to let that one go for the right dude. Maybe someday I'll find someone that meets my criteria, but until then I'm 25 years old and have a lot of shit to accomplish on my own and I can't allow anyone to bring me down with them.

Sunday, November 22, 2015

Womp Womp Womp

Welp, things fell through with my dude back home. He has a lot of issues and neither of us are ready for a real relationship so it's going nowhere with that. He's looking for someone to save him and I have to save myself first. I'm pretty heartbroken because he's been my what if guy for almost a decade now, but it's life and life is pain sometimes. Which unfortunately means that I'll be moving back in with my dad, stepmom, and my two youngest siblings. I love my family but my sister drives me nuts so this should be tons of fun. I fly home in 15 days now and although my entire plan has once against changed I am so beyond ready to keep on keeping on and start new. My plan at this point is to play everything by ear until I'm competent enough at pretending I know how to adult on my own. I plan on trying to get my old job back but I'm not sure how that's going to work with the time of year I'm going back. First priority is to find a job and get a car. I'm going to be pretty broke for a while because I fully intend to spend the majority of my paychecks on debt payments and healthy shit for the house. I'm also going to start working out on my own, my dad has an exercise bike, a treadmill, and an elliptical in their basement that I plan on utilizing. Once I'm down a little more I'll figure out how to incorporate lifting to try to start firming up my skin. But right now I need to focus on me so I fully intend on being single for a hot minute. I have however started to come up with a short list of questions to help weed out potentials when it comes time to start trying to do that again. I'll post that in a few days once I've had a bit of time to perfect it more. Every question is very serious and I intend to stick to my list.

That's it for now, my life is boring. I'm down 21 pounds and almost half the series of Friends so I'm achieving big things.

K bye.


Wednesday, November 18, 2015

If It Wasn't For Melissa, I Probably Wouldn't Blog.

I haven't really had much to write about this past week because all I've done is watch a LOT of Netflix. I'm trying to pick up some babysitting shifts so I can have some take home money when it comes time to leave the state in NINETEEN DAYS. The closer I get to leaving the more I start freaking out about it. I know in my heart of hearts that this is exactly what I need to do, and that it's what I want to do. My marriage has been over for basically two years now and I'm not interested in trying to fix it but knowing that I'm actually really close to being done dealing with all of the shit that it's brought with it is scary in a really freeing way. I'm going to have to struggle to figure out how any of this is going to work starting all over again, but I've always figured everything out before. I'm just nervous, but I'm ready.

Other than the occasional mini freak out my life is back to being super boring for the time being. I promised a picture update though so here we go.

That hoodie is a XL by the way. That's ONE X. Hells yeah.

I haven't really been in the mood to blog lately so sorry this one sucks, Melissa started becoming obnoxious again though so I figured it was time for another post.

Wednesday, November 11, 2015

I Watch Food Porn and I'm Only Kind of Ashamed About It

I think we've all established by now that when it comes to posting things I'm a liar. "I'll be back tomorrow" "This funny thing happened and I'll tell you about it next time" "I'm going to start posting regularly again." I think by now we've all learned that I'm going to post whenever my heart fancies and anyone who reads is just going to have to suck it up and deal with it. I'll be back, I always am. I say this because obviously I didn't post my update on Monday. You'll get it today so don't you worry your pretty little heads but Monday was a busy day of psych appointments, getting my drain pulled, and some other fun stuff. Before I get to the weight loss portion I have a few minor life updates to provide.

1) As I said I got my drain pulled. Those of you who have never had a drain before consider yourselves lucky because it's a pain in the ass all around. I was so paranoid I was going to accidentally pull it out the entire time I had it in. I was so careful with it, it was sore, showering was done sitting down because I didn't really have a place to put it while standing and using both hands, and my dogs didn't understand why they weren't allowed to cuddle. I went in to get it pulled on Monday and the nurse had my sit back on the nifty doctors table. "Are you ready?" she asked "Not at all" was my answer but she did it anyways and holy fuck. That was not a fun feeling. It cramped and just felt weird. Once I got a look at the amount of tubing that was hidden away inside of me I was kind of mad at myself for being so freaked out that it was going to come out, because there's no way that would have happened.

2) I'm moving back to Iowa a lot sooner than expected. As I said a few posts ago I can finally talk about the fact that I'm getting a divorce. The original plan was to wait until May to go home when the Army shipped us back for his ETS. It seemed cheaper, easier, and we'd just live as roommates like we have been since May. That plan has drastically changed. Kyle went home from leave in October and since he's been back things have been pretty tense between us. He got a new girlfriend while he was back visiting his parents and it sucks listening to him talk to her all the time. I don't think that it's jealousy considering I have some pretty exciting stuff going on in my own romantic life that will be expanded on in a month or so, but I'm really happy with where life is taking me in that direction. I think it's just annoying to hear him talk to this chick and be like that's not at all who or how you are bro what the hell. When I got my surgery he spent maybe 30 minutes total the four days I was admitted at the hospital with me and it was pretty much my breaking point. I started thinking about going home in January and then as time has passed I wanted to go home sooner than that. Long story short after a particularly bad night my mother bought me a plane ticket home as a Christmas present and I'll be moving back to Iowa on December 7th. I am beyond excited about this and it makes me feel so much better knowing that I have an end day in sight and it's 26 days away.

3) Because of this I quit my job at Walmart. I feel bad seeing as it's the holidays and I've only worked there for three weeks before taking time off for my surgery, but I wasn't going to get cleared to do the heavy lifting needed for the holiday work and I'm having a tough time getting my fluids in as is so trying to do it while having to run around all day wasn't going to happen. I'm picking up some babysitting shifts between now and then to try to put a little cash away for when I get back home until I'm able to find another job. I'm going to be moving in with my romantic interest (which once you get more of the back story you'll realize isn't totally crazy or moving super fast) and he's going to be taking care of all of the bills and jazz until I'm able to start contributing. I had to fight to be able to contribute once I could because well, this man is amazing. We have a long history and he never fails to make me laugh or smile.

Seriously. Swoon.

Now on to the weight loss part. I haven't really seen the scale move since Monday but I've lost a few inches and I'm definitely seeing a difference! It hasn't been easy. I find myself watching the Tasty and Buzzfeed food videos while my mouth actually fills with drool, and longing for the day when I can take a bite and chew something. I know I'll get to the point again when I can take a bit of food instead of sip it, but that day is not today. I'm having an issue getting all of my protein in because I hate the protein drink that I got, but tomorrow is payday and I'll be going to GNC to find something new when Kyle gets off work. Hopefully I'll be able to find something that tastes better and I won't have such a hard time getting it down. Other than that it's been a lot of sugar free pudding, strained soups, and water. I get cleared to go onto the purred foods next week and I have never been so excited in my entire life for a scrambled egg or mashed potatoes. Anyways, I know you're all dying to see the stats by now so *drum roll please*

I am already seeing a difference! I wasn't at first and was getting a little bummed that I've hit my first stall and then I was getting water from the kitchen and Kyle looked at me and said he could tell I was getting thinner, so obviously I made him take a picture of me so I could do a side by side. I gotta say, I'm pretty pleased. I then measured myself and saw that although I wasn't losing weight I WAS losing inches so woooo.

I'm not going to lie to you and tell you I'll be back on a certain day, but I will be back to update in a week or so. Maybe something will have happened before then to make me post, but we'll see about that. As always I suck at endings and all so....

Sunday, November 8, 2015

Let's Talk About My Vagina.

As you should know by now I have very little shame and I'll write about anything that strikes my fancy here. Today I'm going to talk about my vagina, you may remember that I've done this once before and a lot of you seemed to enjoy the topic so here we are again. At one of my many pre-op appointments my surgeon told me that he wanted me on birth control before I got the sleeve done. It is a HUGE no no to get pregnant in the first 12-18 months after surgery. Your body is still recovering from "What in the actual fuck did you just do to me?" and trying to get used to the new way you have to eat and it's just not healthy. My body is basically in starvation mode at the moment and there's no way that it would be able to handle a healthy pregnancy for me or any demon spawn that found its way inside of me. My surgeon didn't know until after my surgery that Kyle and I are getting divorced because I wasn't about to let it slip that I didn't really have that great of a support system here in Alaska and jeopardize accomplishing this goal. I told him I'd make an appointment with my PCM and I'd get it done. I decided on the IUD because that's five years of birth control that can be taken out and hell yeah what a good deal. I made my first appointment and got screened to make sure that there were no babies or STD's and praise the flying spaghetti monster aint nothing wrong with my lady bits. They made another appointment for the Friday before surgery to actually have it inserted and off I went. The nurse told me that I would feel a pinch and would probably bleed, so I went in feeling like I was about to lose my virginity all over again.

The day arrives and I'm off to my appointment to allow some strange man I've never met to place a piece of plastic in my vajay. Nothing awkward about that at all right? I get called back and three people walk into the room. A doctor, an EXTREMELY GORGEOUS male nurse, and a female chaperon. Hilarity happened. When I'm uncomfortable I crack jokes and I'm 1000% times funnier than I normally am. Want to really laugh catch me feeling awkward.

So the lady lady asks me what I chose to get the Mireana instead of another option.

Lady: Any reason you chose this method of birth control?
Me: My husband ETS's in May and I want birth control that outlasts my insurance.
Lady: Smart woman!

The doctor starts explaining the procedure to me and is discussing how they have to shove these mid-evil devices up my cervix to make a big enough opening to insert the IUD.

Doctor: Imagine the cervix as a donut.
Me: You just made donuts very unappealing.

He finishes explaining what's going on and at this point I'm like ya know, I'm not having sex with my ex so maybe this isn't needed cause this sounds like it's about to be a boat load of suck.

Doctor: Okay so what I'm going to need for you to do now is to sign this paper saying I've explained everything to you and I need you to verbally tell me your name, birthday, sponsors last four, and the reason you're here today.
Me: *Name birthday last four* and I believe I'm about to have my vagina assaulted.
Doctor: *Laughs hysterically*

The process begins and at first it just feels awkward. I've got male nurse and male doctor getting a front row view to my vag and lady is up by head. I let them know this is absolutely the most people that have been exposed to my lady bits at once and everyone laughs, which when you have gynecological tools and a finger inside of you is actually not a pleasant experience feels wise. Miss lady is doing her best to keep me preoccupied and then it gets to the painful part. The worst cramps I've ever had didn't even come close to the pain that I felt. It was absolutely awful. I announced to the room that I couldn't even handle having my cervix dilated two centimeters and I would be taking all of the drugs whenever childbirth came around.

Doctor: I know it hurts, but remember you wanted this. It's a good thing.
Male Nurse: Plus we have a signed piece of paper stating you gave us permission to do this to you.

He was nice enough to look chastised after and I appreciated that. The torture session is finally over and the male nurse realizes there isn't any wipes in the room so he leaves to go grab some. He knocks on the door before entering to hand them to the doctor.

Me: No don't come in I'm not decent!
Lady: It's just the same nurse from a minute ago, he's dropping off the wipes.
Me: I know. I was kidding, he just spent 20 minutes staring at my nether regions I'm pretty sure we've got a special bond going now.
Lady: Oh so you guys are tight now huh?
Me: Yup, just like a vagina is supposed to be.
Doctor: *snorts*

They all left me to be and I got dressed and started to head out. As I'm walking down the hallways the lady is standing at the nurses station eating a snickers bar.

Lady: You have a great rest of your day! Take it easy! Do you want a piece of candy before you go?
Me: Fuck yes I do. I just had three people with their faces in my vacooter for 20 minutes and didn't experience a lick of pleasure, may as well get something good out of it.

They're gonna remember me forever.

Saturday, November 7, 2015

Five Days Ten Pounds

I plan on updating this awesome little picture every Monday with the new stats. I just found my measuring tape so I was able to take measurements and I wanted to go ahead and get them done before I started the Monday thing. This is going to be all that I'm writing at the moment but I'll be back on Monday to explain how I almost got fired, what it's like having to drink your food for two weeks, and the such. See you in a couple days.

Thursday, November 5, 2015

Wanna See My Stomach?

Four days after willingly allowing a surgeon to cut into my stomach and I am finally home. Let me tell ya, this is both harder and easier than I thought that it would be. I'm not in quite as much pain as I thought that I would be, which is saying something considering I have six incisions and a drain hanging out of me still. It's super sexy. I'm bruised to all hell and have so many needle marks from shots and blood draws that I look like a tweaker who has absolutely no idea what it is I'm doing. I was kept two days longer than expected because I was having issues getting my fluids in, but I'm doing a pretty good job at that now.

My surgeon wants me drinking 15-30 ml every 15 minutes while I'm awake so I have to drink a medicine cup worth of fluids at the very least every 30 minutes. It's pretty hard to do sometimes and frankly it does hurt to swallow. I have a bigger esophagus than stomach so when I drink things it's acting like a funnel and sometimes the stuff gets stuck. Which is the least awesome feeling. I've got bruises for days and getting in and out of bed is pretty much awful. Right now I'm mainly focusing on getting my liquids and protein in. I'm allowed protein drinks, water, diluted juice, jello, sugar free pudding, and broth. I never thought I'd be so excited for broth but yesterday I was given some strained vegetable soup and it was AMAZING. I couldn't take more than a few small "bites" but it was amazing none the less.  Nom. Are you ready for some gross pictures? If you're not you should really go ahead and leave now because my surgeon was awesome and gave me a picture of the stomach they pulled out of me. Ready? READY? GOOD.

They pulled the stomach out of the top big incision that you see in the second picture. My stomach is SUPER sore.

In the past three and a half days I've gone from 304 to 302.2 which is awesome. 2.8 lbs in two days. I'm excited to see how much I'll lose.

I can finally say the other news I've been keeping to myself as well. Kyle and I are getting a divorce. The whole trying to work it out between us thing did not work. We both agreed that I'd get my surgery and he'd finish his contract before we started paperwork for the divorce, but we've known since June that we were getting a divorce. He called me and told me he wanted a divorce when I was back visiting family and I saw it coming but it still sucks a little bit. I'm absolutely fine with it and I'll have some more news on that front to update in a few days. I'm also going to write a post about getting the IUD which was awesome... not. I don't have a lot of things going on the next few weeks so you'll see me around here a little more often. 

And on that note, I'm out.