Sunday, November 8, 2015

Let's Talk About My Vagina.

As you should know by now I have very little shame and I'll write about anything that strikes my fancy here. Today I'm going to talk about my vagina, you may remember that I've done this once before and a lot of you seemed to enjoy the topic so here we are again. At one of my many pre-op appointments my surgeon told me that he wanted me on birth control before I got the sleeve done. It is a HUGE no no to get pregnant in the first 12-18 months after surgery. Your body is still recovering from "What in the actual fuck did you just do to me?" and trying to get used to the new way you have to eat and it's just not healthy. My body is basically in starvation mode at the moment and there's no way that it would be able to handle a healthy pregnancy for me or any demon spawn that found its way inside of me. My surgeon didn't know until after my surgery that Kyle and I are getting divorced because I wasn't about to let it slip that I didn't really have that great of a support system here in Alaska and jeopardize accomplishing this goal. I told him I'd make an appointment with my PCM and I'd get it done. I decided on the IUD because that's five years of birth control that can be taken out and hell yeah what a good deal. I made my first appointment and got screened to make sure that there were no babies or STD's and praise the flying spaghetti monster aint nothing wrong with my lady bits. They made another appointment for the Friday before surgery to actually have it inserted and off I went. The nurse told me that I would feel a pinch and would probably bleed, so I went in feeling like I was about to lose my virginity all over again.

The day arrives and I'm off to my appointment to allow some strange man I've never met to place a piece of plastic in my vajay. Nothing awkward about that at all right? I get called back and three people walk into the room. A doctor, an EXTREMELY GORGEOUS male nurse, and a female chaperon. Hilarity happened. When I'm uncomfortable I crack jokes and I'm 1000% times funnier than I normally am. Want to really laugh catch me feeling awkward.

So the lady lady asks me what I chose to get the Mireana instead of another option.

Lady: Any reason you chose this method of birth control?
Me: My husband ETS's in May and I want birth control that outlasts my insurance.
Lady: Smart woman!

The doctor starts explaining the procedure to me and is discussing how they have to shove these mid-evil devices up my cervix to make a big enough opening to insert the IUD.

Doctor: Imagine the cervix as a donut.
Me: You just made donuts very unappealing.

He finishes explaining what's going on and at this point I'm like ya know, I'm not having sex with my ex so maybe this isn't needed cause this sounds like it's about to be a boat load of suck.

Doctor: Okay so what I'm going to need for you to do now is to sign this paper saying I've explained everything to you and I need you to verbally tell me your name, birthday, sponsors last four, and the reason you're here today.
Me: *Name birthday last four* and I believe I'm about to have my vagina assaulted.
Doctor: *Laughs hysterically*

The process begins and at first it just feels awkward. I've got male nurse and male doctor getting a front row view to my vag and lady is up by head. I let them know this is absolutely the most people that have been exposed to my lady bits at once and everyone laughs, which when you have gynecological tools and a finger inside of you is actually not a pleasant experience feels wise. Miss lady is doing her best to keep me preoccupied and then it gets to the painful part. The worst cramps I've ever had didn't even come close to the pain that I felt. It was absolutely awful. I announced to the room that I couldn't even handle having my cervix dilated two centimeters and I would be taking all of the drugs whenever childbirth came around.

Doctor: I know it hurts, but remember you wanted this. It's a good thing.
Male Nurse: Plus we have a signed piece of paper stating you gave us permission to do this to you.
Me: YOU SIR HAVE A PENIS AND ARE NOT ALLOWED AN OPINION AT THIS TIME.

He was nice enough to look chastised after and I appreciated that. The torture session is finally over and the male nurse realizes there isn't any wipes in the room so he leaves to go grab some. He knocks on the door before entering to hand them to the doctor.

Me: No don't come in I'm not decent!
Lady: It's just the same nurse from a minute ago, he's dropping off the wipes.
Me: I know. I was kidding, he just spent 20 minutes staring at my nether regions I'm pretty sure we've got a special bond going now.
Lady: Oh so you guys are tight now huh?
Me: Yup, just like a vagina is supposed to be.
Doctor: *snorts*

They all left me to be and I got dressed and started to head out. As I'm walking down the hallways the lady is standing at the nurses station eating a snickers bar.

Lady: You have a great rest of your day! Take it easy! Do you want a piece of candy before you go?
Me: Fuck yes I do. I just had three people with their faces in my vacooter for 20 minutes and didn't experience a lick of pleasure, may as well get something good out of it.

They're gonna remember me forever.

7 comments:

  1. Ugh. What a craptacular experience. I had all the drugs when I had a baby and it was fabulous.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I've never understood why anyone would want to have a baby without drugs. Give me all of them.

      Delete
  2. haha. This make me laugh so hard.
    I opted for the Nexplanon instead of IUD because of the process you went through. Doesn't sound fun or comfortable at all!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. As he was describing what was going to happen I just kept thinking "You know, a baby doesn't sound so bad." LOL And I thought about the Nexplanon for exactly zero seconds because the whole it gets implanted into your arm thing just wasn't appealing to me at all.

      Delete
    2. Plus if its inserted incorrectly, you can still get pregnant T_T

      Delete
  3. I had my first IUD placed 5 weeks after my daughter was born. Definitely not pleasant, but no cervical torture devices.
    Clearly I was still feeling the drugs, because when it came time to have it removed I opted to have the same method placed again. And then I died all the deaths because just getting the first one out took 3 different appointments.
    I've decided that from now on I should just opt for all the babies, because fucking ow!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. OMG I DIDN'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT HURTING COMING OUT TO. >_<

      Delete

Stroke my ego baby!