Saturday, August 9, 2014

The Believer Cookie.

I've made no secret about the fact that I'm an Atheist. My entire family knows, and they're all religious in one way or another. I posted a bit of a conversation about the Believer Cookie recently, but I wanted to finish telling the story today. 

First, I had walked into my step aunts house to pick up my brother for football practice. 

Me: What's going on with that?
Kelly: Grilled turkey and cheese.
Me: No, not that. THAT.
Kelly: Those are cookies for VBS. 
Me: But I won't be there... can I have one?
Kelly: No. These are believer cookies. Just for people that believe in God. 
Me: But...
Kelly: Nope. Believer cookies. 
Me: Are they made with holy water?
Kevin: They've been blessed too.
Me: But...
Kelly: Do you believe in God Becca?
Me: No...
Kelly: Then no cookie for you.
Me: Wouldn't it be just as bad for me to say that I believed in God just for a cookie?
Kelly: Yup.
Me: ..... would it work?
Kelly: Nope.
Me: Damn it. 


I left without my cookie and was extremely sad, because it looked amazing. Later that night after I got back from my brothers practice my stepmom came home. She had to run to her sister's house and I asked her to bring me back a cookie. When she came home I was outside.

Me: Did you bring my cookie?!
Kim: Kelly wants to know if you believe yet. 
Me: I believe that cookie looks delicious. 

We went into the house and she handed me the cookie. It looked amazing. 



I took a picture, ate the crap out of the cookie, and posted it on Facebook with the following statement.

Me: Kim stole me a believer cookie. Much like Eve with the Apple, it tasted that much better because it was forbidden. The holy water burned my tongue a bit, but worth every bite. NOM.

She commented on it and said: I didn't steal it. it was a gift. Hopefully the Spirit is growing in your heart as we speak.

I responded with: IT WAS A TRAP ALL ALONG! And with one cookie her heart grew three sizes that day... wait... wrong book.

I also changed the wording on the picture to: Kim bestowed upon me the gift of a believer cookie. Much like Eve with the Apple, it tasted that much better because I knew it should be forbidden because I am not truly a believer. The holy water burned my tongue a bit, but worth every bite. NOM.


The very next morning I woke up and had started my period. I was cramping something fierce and found my step mom on the phone with her sister.

Me: My uterus feels like it's falling out. Do you have anything I can take?
Kim: Kelly said it's the believer cookie, the transformation is starting.

Me: I can't help but feel like Eve right now. Eat the forbidden cookie, bam. Period. If God's trying to get me onto team Christian, this is not the way to do it. 

I can't help but feel like if at any point in my life I do start believing in God, that Kelly is going to take the credit for it saying that the Believer Cookie has finally worked. 
 

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Stroke my ego baby!