Wednesday, April 3, 2013

A Look Into My Brain

Mini rant before I post this: I don't know when the next time I'll actually be able to sit down and think of something to write before next Tuesday will be. I'm hoping I'll get the chance, but my work just screwed me over by rearranging my schedule and I won't really have time to breathe let alone sit down and write. I went from working four days a week, to five, including working the weekends now because the worst employee we have (I have never heard ANYONE say ANYTHING good about her) doesn't want to work weekends anymore so they're bending over backwards and f'ing me over in the process to keep her happy. Which is ridiculous considering her last day is the 5th of May anyways. They said once she's gone things will get better, except they haven't hired anyone so I'm not seeing that happening. I know in today's economy I should be thankful for the extra hours they're forcing on me, but I was hired for (and happy with) 20 hours a week, so it annoys the crap out of me when they schedule me for more than that without even discussing it with me. I would really love to see my husband at some point, but between babysitting and working the only time we have to spend together is in the car while I'm dropping him off. It's getting old really quick, and starting to piss me off.

But on a more positive note I decided that I was going to keep track of all of the random thoughts that go through my head on a weekly basis. As you can see towards the end I got busy and failed updating, but you'll get the jist of it. Will you still love me when you realize the extent of my cray cray? No? Oh well, here we go anyways!


Day one:

Where are all of my tweezers?! I've bought FIVE since we moved here! WHERE DID THEY ALL RUN OFF TOO?!

I think my dog is high. Who keeps giving him meth? That's not good for people, I can't imagine that it's good for dogs.

I'm pretty sure my husband actually hates me, what else explains the snoring?!

WHY CAN I HEAR YOU OVER MY EARPLUGS?! SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP.

I am going to smother you with your own pillow. I'm 78% sure I've seen enough criminal TV shows to get away with it.

I LEFT THE ROOM FOR FIVE MINUTES! Was it really necessary for you to roll yourself up into a tight, loudly snoring burrito?

You sound like a goat when you snore, stop it. (Clearly, he's being EXTRA loud tonight. I could hear him over me peeing, through a closed door, WITH earplugs in.)

Do they sell earplugs to drown out the sound of jet engines? Like standing directly next to them and can't hear anything? I think those may kinda block him out a bit.



Day two:

Driving during break up (when the million feet of snow finally decides to start melting) is a lot like playing a really extreme version of Mario Kart where the world is trying to kill you with ice and potholes instead of bananas and turtle shells.

Holy hell old man, do you really need 20 bottles of wine?

Uhm, I'm new guys, why would you leave me in the store completely alone? I'm going to break AAFES.

Seriously, who keeps giving my dogs meth?!

Oh look, muddy paw prints on the floor. I'm not sure how I feel about this. On one hand, I reeeaaaaally don't want to mop, but on the other, that means that the snow is melting enough for the dirt to come back! GO AWAY WINTER I HATE YOU. I could have cooked an entire baby in my uterus since you showed up. LEAVE.

Kirby: $2,500
Replacement cord after your dog eats it after ONE use: $27
Realizing your vacuum works better than a broom, and you never have to sweep again: Mother effing priceless.

Why thank you brand spankin' new razor for cutting up my legs for no freaking reason. How did you know that I wanted my shower to look like the Texas freaking chainsaw massacre happened in my shower.

I'm lying in bed and my husband isn't snoring! But my leg itches, and he's like a very skiddish animal when he's sleeping. One false move and he attacks.

Oh great, my husband has started beating me in his sleep again. Super.

Dear whoever texted my husband at 1:30 in the morning causing him to wake up juuuuust enough to go back to snoring,
I don't know who you are, but I will find you, and beat you to death with my pillow.



Day three:

Dropped the husband off at work and saw a soldier in his car going hard on his air guitar, I invited myself into his band and played the air drums right along with him. I was much better than him, come at me bro.

I don't know who complained about the music playing at work, but I hope they get crabs, and herpes. A dead quiet store makes the day take FOREVER. I hate you person, so so much.

Whoever invented the automated paper towel dispenser deserves to be kicked in the shin. "Here's a small piece of paper towel that's barely enough to dry your pinky finger. Oh you want more? Do an African fertility dance for forty seconds and I MAY spit out a little more, but probably not. You may as well just use your jeans or drip dry baby, cause I'm not giving you anymore of my papery goodness!"

Kid I'm babysitting just pulled out Space Jam, just had a flashback to little 10 year old me. That was quickly followed by a horrific flashback of a bug flying into my mouth and me swallowing it whole. Not sure the connection there, but that was traumatic.

Kid I'm babysitting is being annoying as crap today. Would it be wrong of me to tell her we're going to play hide and seek, and then not go find her?

I'm 98% sure my husband is peeing in the grate in the basement. How else could he be drinking and gaming for the past six hours and not have come upstairs to piss once?

I came upstairs and my dog pissed in the kitchen. I found her hiding in her kennel. I've never had an animal punish itself before. Wonder if I can train my future small humans to do the same...

My husband has informed me he would like to adopt an Asian child. I want to adopt a ginger. Is there such thing as ginger Asians? That would be amazing.



Day four:

My husband slept for three hours last night before he returned to gaming. I woke up three hours after we went to bed and he was gone. He then tried to tell me he didn't get out of bed until 8. Uhm, I was awake at five you liar. I'm pretty sure that if he's home and not connected to his computer he feels like he's going to die. I'd love to take a baseball bat to it. Multiple times.

I am so bored I'm about to go pick up dog crap in the backyard. This is a new low.

Of course I'd choose to do this on the one day all week where it's cold enough for the ground to stay frozen instead of melting. I am not wrestling the ground over a piece of dog poop. It can keep it.

I think of my dogs as siblings, but I think Shadow thinks Pepper is his girlfriend by how many times that neutered dude tries to seduce her. You have no balls man, where is the enjoyment in this?

I should fold laundry... Or I could pretend its not there... Yeah... That sounds like a better plan.

I'm going to be teaching the kid I babysit how to build a house of cards tonight. I think we'll have her Barbie be Godzilla afterwards to knock it all down. EXCITED.




Day Five:

If you take a baseball bat to Kyle's computer he will divorce you Becca. It's not worth it. It's not worth it. It's not worth it.

Where's my bat?

1 comment:

  1. haha. Love this. I want to take the baseball bat to my Husband's computer too. I swear to god it's annoying how dependent he is on that damn thing!!!

    ReplyDelete

Stroke my ego baby!