"Talk to me when you've lost another 50 pounds..."

I mentioned two weeks or so ago making an appointment to discuss my uterus with my doctor. I had planned on getting tested for PCOS because my mother told me I was diagnosed at thirteen with it, I've never felt affected by it, or even knew I was diagnosed with it until she brought it up a few months or go, but ever since she did it's one of the thoughts that play on a constant loop in my mind. Maybe there's something wrong with me? Maybe that's why I've been off birth control for over a year and I still have no small human. Maybe maybe maybe. This appointment was supposed to put my mind at ease, or at the very least get me on the road I need to be on to figure everything out. Supposed to. What it did was have me walking out pissed and disappointed in myself. You see, I brought up the PCOS, the not being on BC, the almost fifty pounds of weight loss, and do you know what her response was?

"I won't even put in a referral to womens health until you lose at least another fifty pounds." 

I'm not asking to be put on any baby making meds, I'm not asking for you to turkey baster me, I'm asking you to just look at my uterus and tell me if it's capable of carrying a small human, that's it. But apparently I'm too fat for that. I thought procreating was a basic human right, nobody could tell you you can or can't have one, look at the people with fifteen kids on every financial assistance program out there. I don't hear any doctors telling them to stop pushing kids out, but I want to talk about having one, and am literally told I'm too fat to even talk to? Seriously?! 

That was my first appointment with this lady, and between that awful taste left in my mouth, her making me feel rushed the entire appointment, the fact that she had FOUR PEOPLE that had NOTHING to do with my appointment pop in to ask her questions, and that she refused to listen to me about my pysch meds and is insisting on sending me back to Psych to he put on all new meds, I think I'll be requesting a new PCM. I have never walked away from a doctors feeling so insulted before. 

So after that appointment I kind of spiraled into a small well fuuuuuck yoooou cyclone of self sabotage. I binged, I slept, and I didn't start the 30 Day Shred. I also got sick (again seriously Alaska choose a weather!) and leaned on that as an excuse. But this behavior hurts literally no one but myself. I have to carry around the pounds I put back on, I have to fight them back off, and I have to fight to keep them off when going back on psych meds (which for some reason almost ALL come with the super awesome side effect of "lets gain 50 pounds!) so I need to stop punishing myself, it's just going to make my journey harder.

I'm taking a page from Holly's book and saying you should never start or finish anything unless it's a Monday, so I'll be officially starting the 30 Day Shred on Monday. I had put it off because I really hate Jillian, and I needed to rearrange the living room so I had room to actually do the exercises, but excuses don't get you anywhere. I can suck up the hatred and it took me four hours by myself, but I have she-hulked all of the furniture in my living room around and now have a HUGE space to jumping jack and plank to my hearts content. I'll be posting before/after pictures/weight/measurements and I want to continue doing this for the thirty days if it freaking kills me! If I post absolutely anything about taking a lazy day, missing a day, etc. yell at me! E-mail me calling me lazy, text me and tell me I have gravy running through my veins, or call me and yodel into the phone until my options are suicide or situps. Something. 

 

 ___________________________________________