Eyes, Mouth, Vagina?

That's not exactly how that body parts song goes is it? Close enough. My body is falling apart on me. Kind of. Well, parts of it are. We'll start with a few days ago and have you just try to follow along. You know how it goes here. Last Thursday I get a call from an Unknown number. Typically it's the appointment line so I answer not expecting a real person.

Me: "Yup?"
PV2: "Is this Mrs Stockman?"
Me: "Oh. Hi. Yes."
PV2: "Hello Mrs Stockman how are you doing today?"
Me: "Uhm... I'm good? Who is this?"
PV2: "Sorry this is PV2 Dontrememberhisname and uhm... well... I'm calling with Bassett Army Hospital because uhm... it appears that you're uh... due for a pap smear?"
Me: "Oh. Okay."
PV2: "So I uh... can get that scheduled for you if you'd like... or uh... you can opt out and we won't call you for a year."
Me: "Might as well get the girl looked at, go ahead and schedule me."
PV2: "Okay ma'am. Uhh... looks like we have Monday open."
Me: "Works for me."
PV2: "Ok... so I've got your uhhh.... pap smear.... scheduled for Monday at 1420."
Me: "Sounds good, I'll bring my vagina and be there."
PV2: "Uhhh... okay...."

So I get through the conversation that was obviously super painful for the poor little dude and know that I've got shit set up to get my vaginal area all checked out. No biggie. I put it on the back burner and go about my weekend. Saturday we went over to a BBQ at a new friends house and we decided we were going to play Cards Against Humanity. Husband is being a debbie downer anti social pants so I offer to take him home and go back to the party. At this point I realize that my cheek is starting to hurt a bit and stick my finger back towards my wisdom tooth and it's suddenly sharp and pointy. It sucks, but no big deal I'm a big girl I'll live. So I drop the husband off, go back to the party and decide that I want to drink. I text the husband and let him know that I'll be spending the night there and start with the celebrations. I took a shot of rum and my cheek started burning like a mofo. Why? Alcohol on what is essentially now cheese graded cheek is not a good idea. But I put them big girl panties on and drink right through it. Pretty soon I'm kicking some beer pong butt and all thoughts of ouch mouth are behind me. Party starts winding down and I take up residence on the couch when my cheek starts hurting again. I take my finger, stick it up against my tooth and lightly push to see how sharp my tooth actually is at this point and hear CRUNCH. I pull my hand out of my mouth, look down at my fingers and...

Tooth. That is part of my tooth that DISINTEGRATED IN MY HAND. So now I have this gaping hole in the side of my wisdom tooth. Plus side, root isn't showing. Down side, THERE IS A HOLE IN IT. Food keeps getting stuck and I basically have my own personal little tooth shank going on right now. Currently it's just attacking me but if anyone puts their finger in the right side of my mouth I WILL FUCK THEM UP. Anyways, this happened on a Sunday eaaaaarly morning so I decided to give those big girl panties a run for their money and just keep on keeping on. I called one of the dentist offices in town and the soonest they could get me in for a evaluation is the 30th, so I'm going to be calling around to more tomorrow to find one that can get this fixed before I go out to California.

Circling back to the vagina now, as I was on my way to check into my appointment I decided to stop by the optometry clinic, and I now have an appointment for the 28th to get contacts. Woot and yes. So I check in to the appointment, fill out my papers, and am called back by an adorable soldier who starts a witch hunt on my lady parts. Have you ever had an STD? No. When was your last pap smear? Three and a half years ago. Any uncomfortable itching or burning? No. Discharge? No. Have you had a child? No. Have you ever been pregnant? No. Really? I think I'd remember that so the answer is still gonna be no. Are you sexually active? Yes. With anyone other than your husband? No. Question after question after question. He told me he was impressed that I came in because "most women tend to put it off as long as they can." I told him I've been getting regular pap smears since I became sexually active, that my momma always taught me I have one va jay jay and I better treat it right. We laughed, he left the room to get the doctor.

Fifteen minutes later the doctor comes in with the female chaperon to make sure she doesn't violate me any more than sticking a duck bill torture device up a cooter will do. Doctor is a tiny, tiny little woman. Feet go in the stirrups, butt gets puled down to the edge of the table, and the kitty goes on full display. Before I know it I'm being stretched and scraped and prodded and I hate it. The doctor is so tiny she fully disappears under the sheet to the point where if someone would have walked in I doubt they'd see her. She went and scraped and prodded some more and I'm not entirely convinced she didn't actually crawl into my vacooter at one point. She was small enough, she probably would have fit. She finishes, tells me I can get dressed and let myself out when I'm done. Nurse politely points to the baby wipes so I can clean myself up, and I'm told if anything ends up wrong I'll get a phone call in a couple of days. I leave the office not quiet being able to shake the feeling that I am the worst hooker ever. Let a stranger all up in me, didn't get anything out of it, and I'll only hear from them again if I've got something. Tons of fun.

And now in lieu of a conclusion paragraph that makes any sort of sense. Here are three pictures from tumblr that speak to my heart.

Cover Me Darin'

Facebook cover pictures. Let us take a second to discuss them. I absolutely despise using personal pictures for them, they're never the right size, they turn out blurry, something or someone always ends up cropped out in a strange way or cut out completely. I like things to be pretty and line up right, especially when it's the only thing other than my profile that people who aren't on my minuscule friends list can see. I keep that shit locked down like Fort Knox and I like to keep that baby under 100 if I can help it. Let's be honest I don't have that many friends and most of the people on it are just there so I can shamelessly creep on their lives. If I've sent you a friend request, deleted you, and then sent you another one it's because I'm curious about what you've been up to since you last annoyed me into deleting you. Anyways, back on topic. My cover photo is the only thing that people can see to get a sense of who I am before I more than likely reject their friend request so I like to make it count. A few years ago I decided I wouldn't be using my personal pictures anymore and decided to go on a hunt of the interwebs for the perfect cover picture, because I'm lame and this is important business. I quickly realized people suck at making them. I couldn't find any that had everything I wanted on them. I didn't like the quote, or the font, or the picture that was used. They were pixilated, blurry, or distorted. Everywhere I looked it was like the crappy MySpace backgrounds all over again. I learned enough HTML to create my own backgrounds during the MySpace days because I couldn't stand the way to premades looked, so obviously I did what any semi creative internet addict would do and I created my own cover picture.

Here

This was the very first cover picture I ever created by myself. I chose a cute little fish and copy and pasted until they were all pretty and even. I wasn't exactly sure what I was doing, but I had liked how it turned out and I used one of my favorite quotes. It had everything I wanted, the quote, the font, the background, and they all fit correctly. I've gotten a bit more creative and a whole lot better since then so I decided to share them with you today. Links to the correct size (851x315) are under each picture seeing as I had to shrink them to not screw with the pretty of my blog and are created specifically to not have any of the words interfere with your profile picture, name, or the add/message buttons. Minus the Doctor Who quote with the TARDIS, because I finally got frustrated and figured people would get the picture, I worked on that one forever. But here are my much better works, because sometimes I like to show off a bit. 

Here

Here

Here

Here

Here

Here

And Here

Feel free to leave feedback if you'd like. 

I always like to hear compliments. 

If they suck I'd like to know that too so go ahead and tell me.

 I promise not to cry.

Too much.

Woopsies.

I somehow managed to accidentally delete my last post, so here is the run down of what I've been up to the past two months.

My computer charger was ripped from the computer and killed, yesterdays Husband's friend gave me one of his old ones and yaaaay, it works.

The brakes, rotors, and a caliper in my car all broke at the exact same time. I woke up to my husband saying "Hey bad news, the brakes are out." Fast forward three weeks to it finally being fixed, three days later I wake up to a phone call from my husband, "Hey.... sooooo... I went to stop at the red light and the tire didn't... it's in a ditch across the street." It's been fixed as well now. This month has been full of issues.

I've participated in a bunch of Netflix marathons, freaked out about the finale of The Walking Dead, and I've slept a lot. Winter has been a stage five clinger, letting the snow mostly melt then covering everything once again. That's okay though, because I only have twenty four days until I'm back in California for a glorious six weeks. While I'm out there the bestbian is going to come visit which I'm stoked about. We're going to the drag club Lips and it's going to be hilariously amazing.

Chances are this is going to be the last post until I'm in California and actually have things going on again. My life is absolutely boring right now, and not worth posting about until I'm really able to start the surgery process, so I'll see you guys in a month.