Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Eyes, Mouth, Vagina?

That's not exactly how that body parts song goes is it? Close enough. My body is falling apart on me. Kind of. Well, parts of it are. We'll start with a few days ago and have you just try to follow along. You know how it goes here. Last Thursday I get a call from an Unknown number. Typically it's the appointment line so I answer not expecting a real person.

Me: "Yup?"
PV2: "Is this Mrs Stockman?"
Me: "Oh. Hi. Yes."
PV2: "Hello Mrs Stockman how are you doing today?"
Me: "Uhm... I'm good? Who is this?"
PV2: "Sorry this is PV2 Dontrememberhisname and uhm... well... I'm calling with Bassett Army Hospital because uhm... it appears that you're uh... due for a pap smear?"
Me: "Oh. Okay."
PV2: "So I uh... can get that scheduled for you if you'd like... or uh... you can opt out and we won't call you for a year."
Me: "Might as well get the girl looked at, go ahead and schedule me."
PV2: "Okay ma'am. Uhh... looks like we have Monday open."
Me: "Works for me."
PV2: "Ok... so I've got your uhhh.... pap smear.... scheduled for Monday at 1420."
Me: "Sounds good, I'll bring my vagina and be there."
PV2: "Uhhh... okay...."

So I get through the conversation that was obviously super painful for the poor little dude and know that I've got shit set up to get my vaginal area all checked out. No biggie. I put it on the back burner and go about my weekend. Saturday we went over to a BBQ at a new friends house and we decided we were going to play Cards Against Humanity. Husband is being a debbie downer anti social pants so I offer to take him home and go back to the party. At this point I realize that my cheek is starting to hurt a bit and stick my finger back towards my wisdom tooth and it's suddenly sharp and pointy. It sucks, but no big deal I'm a big girl I'll live. So I drop the husband off, go back to the party and decide that I want to drink. I text the husband and let him know that I'll be spending the night there and start with the celebrations. I took a shot of rum and my cheek started burning like a mofo. Why? Alcohol on what is essentially now cheese graded cheek is not a good idea. But I put them big girl panties on and drink right through it. Pretty soon I'm kicking some beer pong butt and all thoughts of ouch mouth are behind me. Party starts winding down and I take up residence on the couch when my cheek starts hurting again. I take my finger, stick it up against my tooth and lightly push to see how sharp my tooth actually is at this point and hear CRUNCH. I pull my hand out of my mouth, look down at my fingers and...

Tooth. That is part of my tooth that DISINTEGRATED IN MY HAND. So now I have this gaping hole in the side of my wisdom tooth. Plus side, root isn't showing. Down side, THERE IS A HOLE IN IT. Food keeps getting stuck and I basically have my own personal little tooth shank going on right now. Currently it's just attacking me but if anyone puts their finger in the right side of my mouth I WILL FUCK THEM UP. Anyways, this happened on a Sunday eaaaaarly morning so I decided to give those big girl panties a run for their money and just keep on keeping on. I called one of the dentist offices in town and the soonest they could get me in for a evaluation is the 30th, so I'm going to be calling around to more tomorrow to find one that can get this fixed before I go out to California.

Circling back to the vagina now, as I was on my way to check into my appointment I decided to stop by the optometry clinic, and I now have an appointment for the 28th to get contacts. Woot and yes. So I check in to the appointment, fill out my papers, and am called back by an adorable soldier who starts a witch hunt on my lady parts. Have you ever had an STD? No. When was your last pap smear? Three and a half years ago. Any uncomfortable itching or burning? No. Discharge? No. Have you had a child? No. Have you ever been pregnant? No. Really? I think I'd remember that so the answer is still gonna be no. Are you sexually active? Yes. With anyone other than your husband? No. Question after question after question. He told me he was impressed that I came in because "most women tend to put it off as long as they can." I told him I've been getting regular pap smears since I became sexually active, that my momma always taught me I have one va jay jay and I better treat it right. We laughed, he left the room to get the doctor.

Fifteen minutes later the doctor comes in with the female chaperon to make sure she doesn't violate me any more than sticking a duck bill torture device up a cooter will do. Doctor is a tiny, tiny little woman. Feet go in the stirrups, butt gets puled down to the edge of the table, and the kitty goes on full display. Before I know it I'm being stretched and scraped and prodded and I hate it. The doctor is so tiny she fully disappears under the sheet to the point where if someone would have walked in I doubt they'd see her. She went and scraped and prodded some more and I'm not entirely convinced she didn't actually crawl into my vacooter at one point. She was small enough, she probably would have fit. She finishes, tells me I can get dressed and let myself out when I'm done. Nurse politely points to the baby wipes so I can clean myself up, and I'm told if anything ends up wrong I'll get a phone call in a couple of days. I leave the office not quiet being able to shake the feeling that I am the worst hooker ever. Let a stranger all up in me, didn't get anything out of it, and I'll only hear from them again if I've got something. Tons of fun.

And now in lieu of a conclusion paragraph that makes any sort of sense. Here are three pictures from tumblr that speak to my heart.


  1. Bahahaha. I wish I was brave enough to respond to schedulers like that!

  2. Hahaha this is fantastic, I'll totally tell people from now on that I'll bring my vagina with me to things. "Want to come to a party tonight?" "Sure, my vagina and I will be there."

    Aah, this is going to keep me entertained for hours.

    Hope your wisdom teeth gets fixed soon!

    Rachel x
    The Inelegant Wench


Stroke my ego baby!