Monday, August 26, 2013

Girl you done lost your damn mind & Lady Boners

I did not watch the VMA's. I'm just not an awards ceremony type of person. Even back in Elementary school I hated awards  ceremonies. I was purposely absent the day I received the perfect attendance award. They're just really not my thing, so this year was no exceptions. I'd rather wait until after the fact and just learn all the juicy stuff from the internet, and oh lawdy mister internet you did not disappoint this year. 

Can we take a minute to discuss Miss Miley's performance? I am almost positive that by the time I wake up there will be multiple posts about this, and my god I am so excited for them. My newsfeed has blown up with the funniest pictures and thoughts about the fifty shades of fucking crazy this woman has gone. Remember this sweet face?


Well the child star curse caught up something fierce to her and I am LOVING IT. She has lost her fucking marbles man. Absolutely nuts. Cray cray to the nth degree. Sweet little Miley Cyrus, adorable little Hannah Montanna has turned into a hot damn train crash.


WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK? Let's just start at the top and work our way down shall we? The hair.


I just... No.... just no. This is not a cute style. Your hairstylist should have their scissors taken from them, and then jabbed in their eyes to INSURE this never happens again. The top looks like an old lady bra made out of latex, and WHY are you wearing panties out on stage?! They're way too tight and hellooooo camel toe. I mean, you sure brought a lot of attention to your vag by continuously smacking yourself in it (That can't be comfortable.) you'd think you'd at least want something that hides your lips instead of separating them. Miley Cyrus's vagina, can I get things I never thought I'd talk about for $500 Alex? But of course what was needed to tie the entire ensemble together was definitely the old lady walking shoes. Seriously, fire your stylist... Or light them on fire. Either works for me. 

And the performance... WHAT THE FUCK MTV?! Did anyone else feel dirty after that? I needed a shower. Your daddy must be so proud of his baby girl. The twerking, the vag slapping, thetongue  seizures, the pelvic thrusts, the actual rubbing up on Rob Thickes junk? I felt like I was watching some awful fetish porn that I could just not look away from. And of course there's this picture floating around now. 


Lets just take a second to appreciate the looks on the Smith family's faces shall we?


Look at how absolutely horrified they all look. That was basically my face too. What cracks me up is almost every. single. celebrity. had matching looks! Drake wouldn't even look at her, and when Jimmy can't make eye contact you know there's an issue. It's like they all just watched in horror as they waved goodbye to any last ounce of credibility she possibly had. That girl is losing her mind. I forsee a Lohan in the making.

I propose a betting pool! I give it until Christmas for either a) The release of her sex tape that was "leaked" or b) she ends of in rehab for "exhaustion" *coughCOCAINEcough* What say you on the subject? Bitch be craaaay. 

That's enough on that tragedy waiting to happen though, now we'll move on to the absolute best part of the night. You know exactly what I'm talking about, your inner teeny bopper flipped the fuck out too.

NSYNC'S BACK ALRIGHT!

Wrong boy band lyrics, but appropriate nonetheless. Words can not describe how absolutely stoked I was to find out they had performed. My my time has treated them all well. 


Chris has put on some pounds, but dropped the braids and I think he looks awesome. Joey lost a lot of weight from the last time I saw him on some show. Justin and JC looked as sexy as ever, and Lance, the man who broke my heart by coming out of the closet is GORGEOUS. Look at that fine specimen of a man. Someone sign him for an underwear campaign, or a romance novel cover, or a porn or something. He is drool worthy and I feel like I need to see more of him. He was my first love. I dreamed of having beautiful Bass babies with him, and those dreams shattered when he announced he was gay. I guess I should have known, no straight man has eyebrows that fabulous. 

Mmmm dat stubble.

But back to the show. I had a HUGE smile on my face when I finally found the damn video online. Seriously news sites, if you say "WATCH HERE" INCLUDE THE FUCKING VIDEO! I was bummed to see that Justin got 99% of the stage time and they were really only on for a minute or so, but it was the best sixty seconds of my year. Maybe it's because I have the rhythm of Hellen Keller (but I can't even talk with my hips) but I find men that can dance extremely sexy. And oh man do they still have it. 


I am hoping and praying to anyone that will listen that these guys actually get back together. I will be devastated if it was just a one time performance. I can not even handle the thought of going to a reunion tour, and you best believe I'd sell everything in my house, husband included (don't worry, he doesn't read my blog, he'll never know it's coming) for tickets to that show. For the love of all things good and holy PLEASE LET THIS REUNION HAPPEN. I've lived in a world without NSYNC, and that's not a world I want to experience again now that I've been reminded of their amazingness. 

Until next time,
Bye Bye Bye, Bye Bye
(You just sang that in your head loser. I love you for it.)


6 comments:

  1. After reading this I had to hunt down the performances myself as I didn't watch the show yesterday and OH. EM. GEE! Miley WTF!!! That was just disturbing. I felt the same way about the music video. I saw an interview where she talks about the ideas for it being all her own and she seems quite proud of that. BLEGH!! I have always considered actors and singers/performers ARTISTS!! They create art through lyrics and their performance but it seems that all we're getting from these new singers is pure crap. That is NOT art. That has no ounce of creativity what so ever. It's just plain awful. The Smith's reactions are priceless. I wore the same expression watching her vulgarity on stage. AND what the hell is up with Robin Thicke?!! Isn't the guy married!!! And has a CHILD!!! How on earth did he agree to that nonesense!!! So gross!!!

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  2. I'm not an awards person either so obviously I skipped them. Hello, Dexter was on. I saw the Miley clips on the news this morning and I really felt like I was watchign porn. It was just bad. MTV will censor curse words but they allow that bullshit? Robin Thicke's wife was present so I can only imagine how their conversation went afterwards....

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  3. The absolute best part of the miley thing, is I can literally hear Will Smith in my head saying, nah you can stop haha

    I'm with you on the N*sync. We'll leave our husbands to follow N*sync around the country for a few years. I mean they'll understand right?

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  4. I didn't watch either, but based off of twitter and Facebook, I had to search for the Miley video and watch this morning. She is a train wreck. Total disaster. And I did feel dirty after watching.

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  5. Hi! I didn't watch either, but googled. Oh myyy. I will never look at a foam finger the same way again.

    I <3-ed Lance too! Totally sang it in my head.

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  6. I like that Miley went out and did something crazy to let everyone know the sweet innocent child that once played Hannah Montana is dead. Was her performance slutty and a bit too much? Yes, I agree. However, give her kudos for not giving a shit about what others are going to think of her and doing what she wants. She's an adult, young, rich, and carefree. I think we all had a moment where we tried something new and risky and now is the time for her to do it!

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Stroke my ego baby!