Weighing in for Wednesday & Realizing my Self Worth

So first things first, I had my interview today. I rocked it. I start next week.

Anyways, the scale has been my enemy this week. I've been bad and weighed myself almost every day and it's so confusing watching myself fluctuate as much as five pounds in one day. I know there's water weight and things of that nature, but it's still frustrating. With that being said I hopped on the scale this morning and was my lowest so far.

Weight: 291.5

+/- last week: -.5

Total loss: 43.5

 

So that's cool. I lost some weight. Sunday I had a bit of a mental breakdown. My husband and I took our dogs out and tried to do Couch to 5K. I felt like I was going to die, and didn't complete the program at ALL. I walked/jogged some, but not nearly as much/long as I should have. I walked the majority of the time and just cried and cried and cried. Here's what went through my head:

"Why the fuck did I let myself get so fat?"
"I hate myself."
"I actually hate myself right now."
"Fuck running."
"Seriously, I jogged for thirty seconds and my lungs are going to explode."
"My thighs are rubbing together so fucking hard."
"I hate myself."
"My shorts keep riding up."
"My tits are going to give me a black eye."
"I hate myself."
"Why did I do this to myself?"
"Why didn't I attempt to lose weight sooner?"
"How could I let myself get to this point?"
"I hate myself."
"How do people enjoy this bullshit?"
"I hate myself."
"I hate myself."
"I hate myself."

Not exactly positive thinking there huh? I told you. I had a bit of a breakdown. But you know what I realized? I don't hate myself, I hate what I did to myself. I shouldn't have let myself get to the point where I weighed three hundred and thirty five god damn pounds. Never. I should have taken action sooner, but you know what? I didn't. You know what else? I've already lost 43.5 pounds in less than a year. Could I have done better? Hell yes. Is it worth throwing a pity party over and beating myself up about? Fuck no. I am worth so much more than that. I'm done hating myself, I'm done double guessing myself. I want to be a positive, confident person who doesn't give a fuck what other people think about her and that shit starts today. I have a new job, and I'm going to be a new person. I'll continue working out on a mostly daily basis. I'll go on walks/runs until it's to cold to do so (next month SAD FACES) and then I'll buy a workout DVD or possibly venture to the gym. Who cares if those bitches stare at me? At least my fat ass is trying to improve myself. I feel like I'm starting to REALLY see a difference. I looked in the mirror today and didn't absolutely hate what I saw. Was I 100% thrilled? Of course not, I have a lot of work to do, but I didn't hate it. Look how far I've come.

I can see a difference. I just need to figure out how to stop caring what other people think and do it for me. Not for society, not for my husband, not to be able to get pregnant. Because I want to be healthy. I  want to love myself. A perfect body won't do that, but knowing that I was able to push myself to achieve something for once in my life instead of just giving up because things got tough? I want that. I want that so much. I'm worth that damn it. And you are too. If you're struggling just say fuck it and take it one day at a time. Don't think about how many pounds you have to lose. Think about the fact that today, today you're going to run. Or today you're going to eat an apple instead of a cookie. Take things one day at a time and just be the best you you can be, for you. That's what I'm going to do and it feels good.

Now, that I've let my brain ramble for a few, I'm off to put on a pair of pants, take an ACE, throw my headphones in, and go for a walk/jog. Wish me luck on my new found path of not giving a single fuck.